Zac Townsend

@smacktownsend

Writer. Comedian. Read my stuff. Please.

smacktownsend.com/spec-scripts-1/
Joined November 2018
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  1. 11 hours ago

    Face App is letting all of my comedian friends know what could have been if they chose a career with Healthcare

    4 likes
    Undo
  2. Jul 13

    If you think the bagel boss guy is angry then you should meet the bald guy at my job who they make wear a hair net

    2 retweets 6 likes
    Undo
  3. Jul 5

    Randy Newman's "Short People" might be the best diss track of all time

    4 likes
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  4. Jul 5

    Who's going to buy books from the grocery store once all of our grandmothers die?

    4 likes
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  5. Jun 19

    Being hungover at the airport in the morning is embarrassing. I just gave up my seat to a guy in camouflage cargo shorts and thanked him for his service.

    14 likes
    Undo
  6. Jun 17

    Bonnaroo was a lot of fun for anyone wondering. I saw Childish Gambino, watched a man get pepper spray in his 3rd eye and then took what I thought was an altoid that made me age 10 years in only about 6 hours.

    9 likes
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  7. Jun 12

    Upcoming shows for June. This pic was taken immediately after my GF said she doesn't think I can dunk anymore.

    1 reply 1 retweet 5 likes
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  8. Jun 10

    I'll be performing at this year with a bunch of other funny people.

    2 likes
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  9. Jun 7

    We are not worthy

    Is it too late for a Flavor Town Road Remix ?
    Undo
  10. Jun 7

    You know what the worst part of bombing in a brewery is? It's that I am getting judged by a grown man drinking "purple nurple schnozberry ale" and I deserve it

    2 replies 1 retweet 14 likes
    Undo
  11. Jun 2

    Here's a clip, add me on Venmo. Have a great day.

    2 likes
    Undo
  12. May 30

    Watched two dudes at my job argue with each other today about if dinosaurs existed or not. It ended with one of them saying "How you don't believe dinosaurs existed but you believe the Raptors are going to win the NBA championship?" My head exploded

    8 likes
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  13. May 27

    I need to watch my weight now so that my inevitable midlife crisis involves a motorcycle with two wheels and not the one with three wheels

    7 likes
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  14. May 24

    I'm sure giving birth to a child is life changing, but have you ever come home drunk to your pets?

    1 reply 2 retweets 36 likes
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  15. May 19

    Before you take Bill Nye too seriously think to yourself what kind of scientist would be fine with us calling him "science guy"

    1 reply 5 likes
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  16. May 16

    Me: My Uber driver who's balding but still somehow has shoulder length hair car radio: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET EMOOOOOOOTIOOOOOOOON.

    7 likes
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  17. May 10

    Tommy Bahama shirts are white guy dashikis

    1 retweet 3 likes
    Undo
  18. Apr 25

    Joe Biden has announced his run for presidency, I overheard him whispering it into a 12 year old girls ear.

    8 likes
    Undo
  19. Apr 24

    After watching the Dame's shot and the crowds reaction I pray the Blazers win the next two NBA championships

    akudfhjalksfjd;aioefj;aiejf;aiweljf;ailekjf'aoeijf;aehwf;aeha;wefj;aowijfeao;'eijwf;aoe'ijwf;aeiowfja;efja;ewifjk;alejaefwff
    Undo
  20. Apr 20

    Eskimo bros

    1 reply 2 retweets 30 likes
    Undo

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