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I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
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I don’t care what they look like, I’m getting whatever pair I can sprint up and down the aisles of the shoe store the fastest in.
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Simon Holland Retweeted
HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ
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Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.
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Sorry you walked in on me cooking and singing “bacon, do you love me....” I was doing the in my breakfast challenge.
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Simon Holland Retweeted
The oil change guy and I both know I’ve lost a lot of leverage in the negotiations by being seven months overdue for the appointment. We’re going thru the motions but I’ll be driving out of here with a new cabin air filter.
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Sometimes I get a to-go box so I can forget about it and make my car smell like spaghetti bolognese tomorrow.
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Simon Holland Retweeted
[child plays with toy instruments] me: FREE BIRD
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If by “adulting” you mean eating 3 popsicles in one sitting then yes, I am good at “adulting.”
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My daughter keeps selecting Toad in Mario Cart and I’m not sure if I need to call her pediatrician or 911.
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Straps a GoPro camera to my chest as I approach the breakfast buffet.
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Simon Holland Retweeted
Every time your mom said she didn’t want the rest of her food & you could have it, she was lying
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Simon Holland Retweeted
Creating a line of greeting cards for my mom, including -Happy birthday, you wouldn’t be here without me -Happy Labor Day, it must be nice to have someone to spend it with -Thanks for the gift, what do I do with it? -Happy Thanksgiving, your sister is now the executor of my will
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If you want to meet a bunch of people who think they are better than you just go to a farmers market eating a McGriddle.
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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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I’m going to have an awards ceremony for all the guys who found out once they were married that they were the world’s loudest chewers, breathers, crunchers, eaters, drinkers, etc.
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Simon Holland Retweeted
Newsie1: move your elbow Newsie2: pass the towel Newsie3 (who has waited his whole life for this one mundane thing to be said to him): FOR A BUCK I MIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
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Apparently there is no plaque or trophy for being the loudest at cereal.
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I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.
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