Simon HollandVerified account

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven they’d leave that one on too. Contact me at simholland@gmail.com

Atlanta
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Joined September 2014
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  1. Pinned Tweet
    19 Apr 2016

    I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

    35 replies 3,689 retweets 6,751 likes
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  2. 9 hours ago

    Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

    15 replies 112 retweets 723 likes
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  3. 12 hours ago

    I don’t care what they look like, I’m getting whatever pair I can sprint up and down the aisles of the shoe store the fastest in.

    2 replies 5 retweets 51 likes
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  4. Retweeted
    Jul 25

    HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ

    83 replies 13,075 retweets 66,724 likes
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  5. 21 hours ago

    Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.

    4 replies 56 retweets 381 likes
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  6. 22 hours ago

    Sorry you walked in on me cooking and singing “bacon, do you love me....” I was doing the in my breakfast challenge.

    2 replies 20 retweets 104 likes
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  7. Retweeted
    Jul 28

    The oil change guy and I both know I’ve lost a lot of leverage in the negotiations by being seven months overdue for the appointment. We’re going thru the motions but I’ll be driving out of here with a new cabin air filter.

    12 replies 129 retweets 645 likes
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  8. Jul 28

    Sometimes I get a to-go box so I can forget about it and make my car smell like spaghetti bolognese tomorrow.

    3 replies 2 retweets 92 likes
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  9. Retweeted
    Jul 9

    [child plays with toy instruments] me: FREE BIRD

    4 replies 183 retweets 485 likes
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  10. Jul 28

    If by “adulting” you mean eating 3 popsicles in one sitting then yes, I am good at “adulting.”

    3 replies 7 retweets 82 likes
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  11. Jul 28

    My daughter keeps selecting Toad in Mario Cart and I’m not sure if I need to call her pediatrician or 911.

    2 replies 4 retweets 57 likes
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  12. Jul 28

    Straps a GoPro camera to my chest as I approach the breakfast buffet.

    4 replies 71 retweets 388 likes
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  13. Retweeted
    Jun 29

    Every time your mom said she didn’t want the rest of her food & you could have it, she was lying

    10 replies 109 retweets 613 likes
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  14. Retweeted
    Jul 8

    Creating a line of greeting cards for my mom, including -Happy birthday, you wouldn’t be here without me -Happy Labor Day, it must be nice to have someone to spend it with -Thanks for the gift, what do I do with it? -Happy Thanksgiving, your sister is now the executor of my will

    11 retweets 104 likes
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  15. Jul 28

    If you want to meet a bunch of people who think they are better than you just go to a farmers market eating a McGriddle.

    8 replies 34 retweets 307 likes
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  16. Jul 27

    I do what I want

    2 replies 7 retweets 72 likes
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  17. Jul 27

    To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

    19 replies 182 retweets 918 likes
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  18. Jul 27

    I’m going to have an awards ceremony for all the guys who found out once they were married that they were the world’s loudest chewers, breathers, crunchers, eaters, drinkers, etc.

    16 replies 7 retweets 180 likes
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  19. Retweeted
    Jul 27

    Newsie1: move your elbow Newsie2: pass the towel Newsie3 (who has waited his whole life for this one mundane thing to be said to him): FOR A BUCK I MIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

    13 replies 78 retweets 509 likes
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  20. Jul 27

    Apparently there is no plaque or trophy for being the loudest at cereal.

    1 reply 64 likes
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  21. Jul 27

    I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.

    53 replies 218 retweets 1,448 likes
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