Simon HollandVerified account

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven they’d leave that one on too. Contact me at simholland@gmail.com

Atlanta
Joined September 2014

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  1. Pinned Tweet

    I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

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  2. Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

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  3. I don’t care what they look like, I’m getting whatever pair I can sprint up and down the aisles of the shoe store the fastest in.

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  4. Retweeted
    Jul 25

    HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ

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  5. Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.

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  6. Sorry you walked in on me cooking and singing “bacon, do you love me....” I was doing the in my breakfast challenge.

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  7. Retweeted
    Jul 28

    The oil change guy and I both know I’ve lost a lot of leverage in the negotiations by being seven months overdue for the appointment. We’re going thru the motions but I’ll be driving out of here with a new cabin air filter.

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  8. Jul 28

    Sometimes I get a to-go box so I can forget about it and make my car smell like spaghetti bolognese tomorrow.

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  9. Retweeted
    Jul 9

    [child plays with toy instruments] me: FREE BIRD

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  10. Jul 28

    If by “adulting” you mean eating 3 popsicles in one sitting then yes, I am good at “adulting.”

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  11. Jul 28

    My daughter keeps selecting Toad in Mario Cart and I’m not sure if I need to call her pediatrician or 911.

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  12. Jul 28

    Straps a GoPro camera to my chest as I approach the breakfast buffet.

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  13. Retweeted

    Every time your mom said she didn’t want the rest of her food & you could have it, she was lying

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  14. Retweeted
    Jul 8

    Creating a line of greeting cards for my mom, including -Happy birthday, you wouldn’t be here without me -Happy Labor Day, it must be nice to have someone to spend it with -Thanks for the gift, what do I do with it? -Happy Thanksgiving, your sister is now the executor of my will

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  15. Jul 28

    If you want to meet a bunch of people who think they are better than you just go to a farmers market eating a McGriddle.

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  16. Jul 27

    I do what I want

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  17. Jul 27

    To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

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  18. Jul 27

    I’m going to have an awards ceremony for all the guys who found out once they were married that they were the world’s loudest chewers, breathers, crunchers, eaters, drinkers, etc.

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  19. Retweeted
    Jul 27

    Newsie1: move your elbow Newsie2: pass the towel Newsie3 (who has waited his whole life for this one mundane thing to be said to him): FOR A BUCK I MIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

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  20. Jul 27

    Apparently there is no plaque or trophy for being the loudest at cereal.

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  21. Jul 27

    I didn’t even know I was the loudest cereal eater in the world until I got married.

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