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@shitmydadsays

Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says

twitter.com/justin_halpern
Joined August 2009
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  1. 9 May 2017

    "Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."

    116 replies 3,853 retweets 7,329 likes
    Undo
  2. 13 Jun 2016

    "Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."

    50 replies 2,246 retweets 4,133 likes
    Undo
  3. 12 Jun 2014

    Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying.

    81 replies 578 retweets 945 likes
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  4. 25 Mar 2014

    "Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death:

    65 replies 818 retweets 1,054 likes
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  5. 19 Dec 2013

    "1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."

    105 replies 7,956 retweets 6,680 likes
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  6. 16 Jun 2013

    "Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."

    49 replies 2,803 retweets 2,187 likes
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  7. 28 May 2013

    My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about:

    48 replies 251 retweets 480 likes
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  8. 13 Feb 2013

    A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day:

    159 replies 1,784 retweets 1,138 likes
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  9. 11 Oct 2012

    "Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."

    98 replies 9,246 retweets 3,540 likes
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  10. 20 Aug 2012

    "The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

    52 replies 4,810 retweets 2,160 likes
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  11. 22 Jun 2012

    "No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."

    65 replies 6,964 retweets 2,851 likes
    Undo
  12. 14 Jun 2012

    "No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: )

    39 replies 2,427 retweets 1,028 likes
    Undo
  13. 4 Jun 2012

    "We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

    121 replies 25,287 retweets 10,134 likes
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  14. 15 May 2012

    "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book out today. An excerpt:

    72 replies 1,127 retweets 476 likes
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  15. 11 May 2012

    "No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

    66 replies 7,681 retweets 2,645 likes
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  16. 1 May 2012

    "No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book

    36 replies 2,106 retweets 878 likes
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  17. 24 Apr 2012

    "No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book:

    32 replies 1,880 retweets 712 likes
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  18. 17 Apr 2012

    "You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book:

    28 replies 1,740 retweets 605 likes
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  19. 5 Apr 2012

    "No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.

    50 replies 589 retweets 347 likes
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  20. 23 Mar 2012

    "You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."

    35 replies 2,203 retweets 1,043 likes
    Undo

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