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@shitmydadsays

Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says

twitter.com/justin_halpern
Inscrit en août 2009
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  1. 9 mai 2017

    "Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."

    173 réponses 3 726 Retweets 7 409 j'aime
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  2. 13 juin 2016

    "Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."

    62 réponses 2 444 Retweets 5 114 j'aime
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  3. 12 juin 2014

    Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying.

    86 réponses 548 Retweets 961 j'aime
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  4. 25 mars 2014

    "Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death:

    63 réponses 786 Retweets 1 094 j'aime
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  5. 19 déc. 2013

    "1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."

    100 réponses 7 660 Retweets 6 645 j'aime
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  6. 16 juin 2013

    "Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."

    46 réponses 2 671 Retweets 2 216 j'aime
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  7. 28 mai 2013

    My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about:

    46 réponses 239 Retweets 477 j'aime
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  8. 13 févr. 2013

    A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day:

    156 réponses 1 708 Retweets 1 120 j'aime
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  9. 11 oct. 2012

    "Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."

    95 réponses 8 843 Retweets 3 500 j'aime
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  10. 20 août 2012

    "The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

    52 réponses 4 592 Retweets 2 172 j'aime
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  11. 22 juin 2012

    "No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."

    64 réponses 6 669 Retweets 2 831 j'aime
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  12. 14 juin 2012

    "No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: )

    38 réponses 2 323 Retweets 1 009 j'aime
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  13. 4 juin 2012

    "We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

    119 réponses 24 155 Retweets 9 939 j'aime
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  14. 15 mai 2012

    "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book out today. An excerpt:

    70 réponses 1 081 Retweets 484 j'aime
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  15. 11 mai 2012

    "No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

    66 réponses 7 370 Retweets 2 609 j'aime
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  16. 1 mai 2012

    "No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book

    35 réponses 2 008 Retweets 876 j'aime
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  17. 24 avr. 2012

    "No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book:

    31 réponses 1 793 Retweets 695 j'aime
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  18. 17 avr. 2012

    "You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book:

    27 réponses 1 668 Retweets 600 j'aime
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  19. 5 avr. 2012

    "No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.

    49 réponses 558 Retweets 351 j'aime
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  20. 23 mars 2012

    "You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."

    34 réponses 2 095 Retweets 1 024 j'aime
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