"Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."
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Justin
@shitmydadsays
Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says
twitter.com/justin_halpernJoined August 2009
Justin’s Tweets
"Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."
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Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying.
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"Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death:
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"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."
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"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."
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My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about: statictab.com/pioakbd
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A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: gq.com/blogs/the-feed
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"I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That's a parasite...Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it."
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"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."
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"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
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"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
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"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: bit.ly/HQxDee)
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"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
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"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: es.pn/IVV45i
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"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
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"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book bit.ly/I3iuqC
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"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: bit.ly/I3iuqC
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"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: bit.ly/I3iuqC
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"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. bit.ly/isuckatgirls
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"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
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"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. grantland.com/story/_/id/765
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"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
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"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."
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A response to my dad's question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?" grantland.com/blog/hollywood
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My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world. funnyordie.com/articles/32226
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"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
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"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."
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"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
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"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
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"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
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"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
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A short story about why my dad thinks Father's Day is bullshit. scr.bi/ixOHFe
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"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."
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"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you're in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It's like a T-rex that shit himself."
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"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
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"I just don't wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I'm plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can't say."
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"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years
just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"
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"No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."
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"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
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