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@shitmydadsays

Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says

twitter.com/justin_halpern
Joined August 2009
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  1. 9 May 2017

    "Oh he knew how bad this would look. If a man shits his pants on purpose he's trying to cover up something that smells a lot fucking worse."

    116 replies 3,837 retweets 7,193 likes
    Undo
  2. 13 Jun 2016

    "Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."

    48 replies 2,055 retweets 3,447 likes
    Undo
  3. 12 Jun 2014

    Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying.

    81 replies 580 retweets 920 likes
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  4. 25 Mar 2014

    "Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death:

    67 replies 821 retweets 1,023 likes
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  5. 19 Dec 2013

    "1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."

    107 replies 8,055 retweets 6,601 likes
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  6. 16 Jun 2013

    "Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."

    49 replies 2,834 retweets 2,131 likes
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  7. 28 May 2013

    My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about:

    49 replies 255 retweets 472 likes
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  8. 13 Feb 2013

    A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day:

    160 replies 1,798 retweets 1,124 likes
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  9. 11 Oct 2012

    "Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."

    98 replies 9,407 retweets 3,526 likes
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  10. 20 Aug 2012

    "The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

    52 replies 4,885 retweets 2,135 likes
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  11. 22 Jun 2012

    "No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."

    64 replies 7,064 retweets 2,826 likes
    Undo
  12. 14 Jun 2012

    "No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: )

    39 replies 2,464 retweets 1,016 likes
    Undo
  13. 4 Jun 2012

    "We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

    122 replies 25,586 retweets 9,996 likes
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  14. 15 May 2012

    "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book out today. An excerpt:

    73 replies 1,140 retweets 467 likes
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  15. 11 May 2012

    "No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

    66 replies 7,790 retweets 2,629 likes
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  16. 1 May 2012

    "No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book

    36 replies 2,130 retweets 859 likes
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  17. 24 Apr 2012

    "No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book:

    33 replies 1,910 retweets 698 likes
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  18. 17 Apr 2012

    "You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book:

    30 replies 1,762 retweets 586 likes
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  19. 5 Apr 2012

    "No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.

    50 replies 595 retweets 345 likes
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  20. 23 Mar 2012

    "You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."

    36 replies 2,252 retweets 1,039 likes
    Undo

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