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Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying. http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/06/little-league-advice-shit-my-dad-says.html …
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"Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death: http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/03/shit-my-dad-says-justin-halpern-essay.html …
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"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."
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"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."
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My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about: http://statictab.com/pioakbd
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A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2013/02/how-the-shit-my-dad-says-dad-celebrates-valentines-day.html?mbid=social_twitter_gqmagazine …
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"I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That's a parasite...Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it."
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"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."
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"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
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"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
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"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: http://bit.ly/HQxDee )
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"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
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"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book
#ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: http://es.pn/IVV45i -
"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
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"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book http://bit.ly/I3iuqC
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"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: http://bit.ly/I3iuqC
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"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: http://bit.ly/I3iuqC
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"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. http://bit.ly/isuckatgirls
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"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
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"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7654198/the-writer-sh*t-my-dad-says-why-your-team-give-damn-you …
Justin
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