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Short piece I wrote for Father's Day about my dad, little league, and crying. http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/06/little-league-advice-shit-my-dad-says.html …
496 retweets 618 favorites"Just say 'I don't know.' I'd actually prefer that to a dumb answer." A short essay about my dad's thoughts on death: http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2014/03/shit-my-dad-says-justin-halpern-essay.html …
779 retweets 797 favorites"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."
7,443 retweets 4,883 favorites"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."
2,837 retweets 1,603 favoritesMy dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about: http://statictab.com/pioakbd
250 retweets 413 favoritesA short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-feed/2013/02/how-the-shit-my-dad-says-dad-celebrates-valentines-day.html?mbid=social_twitter_gqmagazine …
1,940 retweets 1,082 favorites"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."
9,997 retweets 3,006 favorites"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
5,179 retweets 1,794 favorites"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
7,493 retweets 2,347 favorites"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: http://bit.ly/HQxDee )
2,676 retweets 925 favorites"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
26,239 retweets 7,945 favorites"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: http://es.pn/IVV45i
"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
8,218 retweets 2,334 favorites"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book http://bit.ly/I3iuqC
2,370 retweets 785 favorites"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: http://bit.ly/I3iuqC
2,062 retweets 613 favorites"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: http://bit.ly/I3iuqC
1,935 retweets 516 favorites"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. http://bit.ly/isuckatgirls
650 retweets 343 favorites"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
2,443 retweets 944 favorites"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7654198/the-writer-sh*t-my-dad-says-why-your-team-give-damn-you …
2,429 retweets 921 favorites"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
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