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"Thoughts & prayers is for when there's nothing you can do. Like the fucking space station is gonna explode. If it's on earth you can help."

"1st amendment doesn't protect assholes from criticism. The right to act like an asshole and be called an asshole's the same fucking right."

"Honesty and being an asshole are 2 towns in the same state. As a dad, you got houses in both but you try to only vacation in assholeville."

My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about: http://statictab.com/pioakbd 

"Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."

"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."

"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."

"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: http://bit.ly/HQxDee )

"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."

"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: http://es.pn/IVV45i 

"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."

"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book http://bit.ly/I3iuqC 

"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: http://bit.ly/I3iuqC 

"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: http://bit.ly/I3iuqC 

"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. http://bit.ly/isuckatgirls 

"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."

"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7654198/the-writer-sh*t-my-dad-says-why-your-team-give-damn-you …