chchch

i actually wrote a yelp review today.

Anytime I hear someone mention they're drinking Bacardi in a rap song for the sake of rhyming with party I think "sorry you drink bad rum"

Nevermind. Andy Kaufman already kinda did that.

Performance art piece in which you are supposed to give a moving speech but instead have a nervous breakdown in public.

Just kidding, I'm going to be the nervous guy stuttering and sweating in front of 200 people.

Writing a best man's speech right now. Planning on writing it, practicing it, telling people I threw it away and then reading it verbatim.

It's Oakland so it could have been a bike-by egging.

Maybe I was the target?

I just witnessed a drive by egging

IT'S TIME TO RANCH IT UP!

That Wheaties money isn't going to happen, though.

Ryan Lochte is going to get so many endorsement opportunities from bail bonds companies.

News outlets slightly more credible than SF gate claim he is apologizing. I didn't see that word in any reports.

A presidential nominee admitting to getting flustered and saying the wrong thing in heated moments. Great.https://twitter.com/sfgate/status/766490605656563712 …

I almost slipped on a banana peel on the sidewalk and kinda wished that I did.

i imagine he was pretty hungover when he wrote this one. https://twitter.com/RyanLochte/status/764944107101978625 …

it is with great sorrow that i announce that i ate a whopperito for dinner last night.

so many shrimp, indeed.