...I tested into a class that was too advanced for me given that I suddenly also had to be a Self Directed College Student and provide my own structure which I was totally incapable of doing failed that class, got grounded, had to retake all kind of spiraled from there
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that's the year that school/studying/learning on purpose got really painful I *still* have a panic reflex when I sit down to intentionally learn/try something difficult oh I guess that was the same year of [certain horrible horrible family stuff too long for this thread]
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I got plunged into a pseudoparent role almost impossible to study at home due to chaos but I was the least dysfunctional child in the household so I was expected to kind of figure shit out on my own and ofc was "too smart" to be failing so ofc it was laziness
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my mom got her math trauma when she moved to Hawaii and had an abusive 9th grade math teacher who was also racist against mainland students would scream and chuck shit at kids' heads so she lost her taste for it
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I am still working on this panic reflex it is incredibly painful and makes me sad also how bullshit is it that I choke up the second I think "oooh I'm gonna try to learn X" hate it!https://twitter.com/selentelechia/status/1247221444687192064?s=19 …
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there was also that 5yr relationship with an older dude who used to roll his eyes or get frustrated/impatient whenever I tried something new and mathy/technical in front of him so that didn't help
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protip if you get aggravated watching people troubleshoot and make mistakes DON'T WATCH WALK AWAY FIND ANY EXCUSE TO NOT BE AROUND THEM BC I GUARANTEE YOU AREN'T HIDING THAT REACTION PERFECTLY ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE YOUNGER/SUBORDINATE/LOOK UP TO YOU/SENSITIVE
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unfortunately I think this laid the groundwork for things like "teaching myself to code" being almost impossible I'm a Delicate Flower so "competent nerds being slightly contemptuous of a newbie doing dumb newbie things" makes me want to walk into the sea out of shame
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which was like the entire culture of information exchange when I first got interested in programming
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