1. being able to sincerely express that you *like yourself,* without inhibition or modesty, around someone you see as your equal, is underrated as a source of intimacy
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2. you can do something akin to gendlin focusing with a partner and it can have a similarly cathartic (?) effect
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3. short inferential distances seem necessary for (2) to work
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4. performance is incredibly intimate -- acting, dancing, even showing someone you admire your art or writing
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6. the feeling that you have to conceal information or self-censor in an unnatural way seems to increase cognitive overhead at an exponential rate especially if you perceive that any failures to conceal or self-censor will be punished as badly as revealing the original info
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7. I suspect a certain level of skill at introspection is necessary-but-not-sufficient for skill in communication
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8. people who insist on explicit verbal consent are likely missing all of the very clear nonverbal conversations going on around them and are therefore probably the sorts of people who benefit from explicit verbal consent norms
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9. a continuation of (8): to people who feel fluent with nonverbal communication norms, insistence on verbalization can seem stupid, onerous, excessively bureaucratic, etc
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10. stress can cause you to stop processing nonverbal communication presumably the opposite can also occur but I have no experience with that
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11. being able to reliably, intentionally make your partner laugh under many different conditions is a strong signal that you are modeling them well
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12. I suspect a lot of the whole "I don't want you to do X when I ask, I want you do notice X needs doing and do it before I ask!" pattern is a plea for your loved ones to *model you more accurately*
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13. Lots of aesthetic overlap is evidence of short inferential gaps but liking the same media isn't the end all be all of compatibility wrt to "potential to communicate well"
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14. "Aftercare" is a useful concept for nonsexual interactions that put people in prolonged vulnerable states I suspect this is a reason for traditions like a cast going out to eat after a play -- even if aftercare isn't quite the same, something communal, grounding, reassuring
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15. there's a failure mode between highly sensitive (perceptive of/easily affected by mild mood/tone/body language shifts) people, where they get into spirals of "hurting one another with their feelings," or avoiding saying things that might incite even a mildly negative response
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16. but I've recently discovered a way out of that chinese finger trap if the two sensitive people are willing, relatively secure, and moderately skilled at describing their state to one another, they can take minor mood mismatches, conflicts, frictions and (1/2)
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(2/2) process them immediately as they arise which is strictly better than trying to anticipate all possible ways to hurt one another and sidestep them
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17. there are a few side effects of the approach where you process negative feelings or minor conflicts together, immediately, as they occur one is that if you get good at it, you can maintain more accurate models of one another Will continue on this topic for a few tweets
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18. one major drawback of anticipating and avoiding all possible interpersonal hurts is that your model of the other person begins to diverge dramatically from the reality divergence is inevitable but this is one way it can become insurmountable
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19. eventually you find yourself anticipating actions that aren't remotely likely from the other person and since your model is particularly inaccurate wrt conflict, and it's actually impossible to avoid all possible conflicts...
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...you may find yourself the least equipped to handle things well at times when the need for those skills is the highest.
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20. one drawback of the "handle immediately" approach is that it can be disruptive and inefficient in the short run being able to table a conflict for later while you handle the most immediate parts of life is also important!
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21. another drawback is that it is vulnerable to being hijacked if one party has dramatically more upsets that need Dealt With than the other
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22. another risk that I haven't encountered might be: your primary source of intimacy is the good feeling that comes after the minor hurts have been soothed and the conflict has been resolved could lead to Bad Incentives
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23. (22) seems like a pretty general risk interpersonally, actually if the Best that you feel is after terrible or painful things occur you can find yourself leaning way too hard into terrible or painful things
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