Today someone asked me how you coach the "alpha geek/brilliant jerk" out of being that person. The answer ultimately boils down to two simple things: Have you really, truly, looked them in the eye and told them the problem? Do they want to change?
Looking people directly in the eye and telling them that they are the problem is literally the behaviour of an alpha jerk. Two people at each other's necks will create a toxic environment. There are better ways. Most require patiently getting them to deal with their animosity.
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You're reading something I didn't say. Look again.
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"Do they want to change" reads like you're trying to find any reason to kick them to the kerb. You have to put the same level of patient work into changing the communication style of a jerk, as you expect them to put into communicating with the people that annoy them.
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Often what I say is like: "I understand why you said what you said, but I think you upset people. You would be much more effective if you had communicated it this way. Blowing off steam might feel good, but I know you ultimately care about quality work."
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This speaks to their source of self esteem. Often the root cause is them not having the patience and emotional groundedness to put work in to communicate well.
End of conversation
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