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“Kansas City Chiefs” - insensitive to Native Americans - only have one kind of bowl - at least they’re not Washington? “Kansas City Chefs” - woah baby - this fucking rules - vast assortment of bowls - what ya whipping up in the kitchen? - can i have some
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guy at bar: *up in my face* what the fuck did you just say to me me: i said “stuart little doesn’t drive a toy car, it is a real car that has simply been made to be very small” guy at bar: *smashing bottle* that doesn’t make any fucking sense
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me: you know what they say about big feet
girl at the bar: *sighs* big sh-
me: *pulls out grainy photo from the woods behind my house* they fucking existPrikaži ovu nit -
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa- guard 2: AAAAAAHHH guard 1: always screams me: doesn’t that get annoying? guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s super fucking awesome
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[guy who’s about to invent spaghetti] *looking at snakes* what if they were italian
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snake: eat the apple me: why snake: it will give you knowledge of good and evil me: *taking bite* is this locally sourced
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roads can have a little boulder, as a large boulder
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woo, and i cannot stress this enough, hoohttps://twitter.com/huffpost/status/1224424855774355456 …
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“wait, this isn’t one of those pyramid schemes, right?” i say as i am sealed in the sarcophagus
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for every whip, there is an equal and opposite nae nae
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[commercial] husband: can’t wait to have the boys over for ᴛʜᴇ ʙɪɢ ɢᴀᴍᴇ wife: and you know ᴛʜᴇ ʙɪɢ ɢᴀᴍᴇ calls for big snacks me: haha, you guys mean the super bowl? [their bodies freeze, their eyes notice me for the first time] me: guys? [the walls begin to melt]
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anne: what do geologists study? The Police: *deep breath*
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detective: there’s been a murder stephen king: sounds supernatural detective: well from the evidence maybe more like a robbery gone ba- stephen king: el chupacabra
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welll we all just wanna be lil stuarts wearing nice mouse sweaters drivin red toy cars
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yeah, I believe in PREMARITAL SEX Parentheses R Exponents Multiplication A R I Division Addition L Subtraction E X
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today is the darkest day of the year for pigs, where they must once again go back to being blanketless
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we live in an era of political and social disunity. as we root for our respective teams today, let’s reflect also on what we can all agree on: its good and just that mr. peanut is dead & if the planters corporation brings him back to life then they are history’s greatest cowards
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happy friday night. pleased to report my streak of ruining every karaoke event by insisting on singing runaway by kanye west remains intact.
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