Scott Dick

PROSECUTOR: what was your relationship to the deceased? ME: he borrowed my blu-ray of Jupiter Ascending P: and would you call that film underrated, or an atrocious misfire that only plebs call underrated JUDGE: you don’t have to answer th- ME: I’LL ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION

Can’t wait to go full Boomer in 20 years and leave YouTube comments on Limp Bizkit videos like “remebre this was real music Great tune!...singing it now Thanks for the clip Alexa switch off Vidcomment. Alexa switch off Vidcomment. Alexa. Alexa. Switch off. Vid comment. Alexa

I feel so sorry for the people who've spent the last few years perpetually feeling like "movies are getting worse" because they consume nothing but rushed reboots and haphazard sequels, as masterpiece after masterpiece get churned out just a little beyond their peripheral vision

alan dershowitz once tried to defend me in court by pulling out a pocket pussy and insisting he would never fuck it. we lost the case

Pete 1: I'm a progressive Sander Warren whatever Pete 2: I'm a technocratic moderate whom love billionaires Pete 3: I am the corn. I speak for the corn.

Meanwhile, in Francehttps://twitter.com/zei_squirrel/status/1222399567947272193 …

The “wrong answers only” joke structure is a scourge, a sickly, weak and pallid joke structure that all right-thinking peoples should and must disdain

Hate it when you’re in a focus group and they show a video of a giant sphere rising out of the ocean. The water rushing down the clean black curve, it’s mesmerizing. Days pass. Weeks. Are you dead? The roar of the water, it’s all you know anymore. It’s all you will ever remember

If you drill 6 holes in a hot dog you can play it like a flute. You shouldn't, though.

Y'all aren't ready to hear this but your dog/cat is not automatically your son. Some pets are nephews and others still, are cousins. It depends on the pet's Energy

With this latest gaffe Bernie Sanders risks alienating one of the most important demographics: people whose job it is to pretend to be offended at every single thing he does, every single day

its funny to me that The Sims is listed as a "casual" game because i have never known a single person who has had a casual relationship with The Sims

In this constant, overwhelming, 24-hour news cycle, it’s crucial to not lose sight of the stories that matter the most, like Halsey accidentally calling for a second 9/11

I can no longer vote for Bernie Sanders, who has been endorsed by the vile Joe Rogan. Instead, I change my vote to Joe Rogan, who has been touted by the lovely Bernie Sanders.