Scott Sevena

oh this can't be good - me, going to hell in a foot basket

[Public restroom] Me [reading sign above sink] employees must wash hands [8 minutes later] Me: where are the employees to wash my hands?

Two completely and totally unrelated facts: - I like the hit of dopamine from gambling - I like eating at Chipotle

Shania Twain Dating Profile Seeking: man to keep me warm in the middle of the night Dislikes: rocket scientists, cars, Brad Pitt Likes: men's shirts, short skirts Something you should know about me: not easily impressed

Imagine how confused and upset you would be if you went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and they told you that they only had beef and pork items on the menu. That's how I feel about Panda Express.

The female custodian at my office keeps coming into the men’s restroom every 15 minutes shouting ‘hello’ to see if it’s clear so she can clean, and I’m running out of different voices to respond to her in from my stall.

When its all falling apart, I'll be the one looting the bookstores.

A book thief takes things literal

Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space? Me: Personal

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you? Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

How A Thesaurus Saved My Life -a memoir, anecdote, autobiography, diary, chronicle, confession, essay, journal, life story, thesis, narrati

When all your plants suddenly die and you scramble to figure out what to grow, remember that it’s not a crisis, it’s a cropportunity.

Wife: We're going to have a baby! Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is? Me: I already googled and it's a very tiny human

The Australian Outback is a desert wasteland with little water and even fewer appetizers.

*Creating an RPG character* Me: Next you'll assign it basic skills- Liam Neeson: Ugh Me: And over time you'll acquire more particular skills Liam Neeson: Oooh

Time and Time again they’ve sent me two copies of their magazine

body: drink water me: no I’m going to bed body: Drink Water me: no I’ll have to get up to pee body: DRINK WATER me: UGH FINE [3am] body: lol

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

[Classroom attendance] Teacher: “Steve" “Here" "Tom" “Here" "Verne" “Here" "Waldo" ... "Waldo??" ... "WALDO?!?" ... "Damn that kid..."