SJ Longthorne

I hate feeling irrational so, so much. I know all the things in my head aren’t fair, and that means I can’t voice them, and that just leaves me to wrestle with it alone, feeling like a bad person because I have these unreasonable feelings and desires.

It’s a pretty huge thing for me to be comfortable confessing my unreasonable feelings, because I have to trust the other person to understand that I already know I’m being unreasonable and not to judge me for it. I can’t stand being told what I already know.

I have so much mean stuff I wanna shout and scream about but can’t because I don’t actually truly mean half of it. That, or I would feel bad immediately after; suddenly I wouldn’t have any right to feel hurt anymore, because I would have inflicted hurt. Then I’ll hate myself.

So I’m settling for this middle ground: instead of actually saying or acting on the unreasonable thoughts, I’m gonna tell you lovely folks about the fact that they’re happening, and that goes some way towards convincing my subconscious that I’ve said them, guilt free.

As always, I won’t be offended if folks unfollow — you don’t need this kinda negativity on your timelines.

But hey, you know what? Those tweets actually did kinda help. I don’t feel bad, because I didn’t say anything mean, but I still kinda feel like I got my feelings out in a roundabout way. Feeling much calmer and more composed as I type this. Thanks for listening, folks!

I've never know anyone else to have BPD. It's a very lonely experience.