SJ Longthorne

Whey, still awake! 1. In primary school, I was jealous of the Kool Kidz who had cardigans instead of jumpers, so I took a purple felt tip and drew a column of massive purple buttons down my front.

2. I once dated a Russian guy who spoke no English. I speak no Russian. We talked entirely through Google translate, handing the phone back and forth.

3. My first CD was Craig David's 'Slicker Than Your Average'. Being a highly mature teen, I drew boobies and a willy on him and signed it with the name of our local priest.

4. In uni, I struggled really badly with my mental health and was so terrified of my housemates (who had set up perma-camp in the living room outside my bedroom) that I would often climb out of my bedroom window to get to the kitchen.

5. Also in uni, my housemates and I owned a Taylor Swift cardboard cutout that we'd stealthily position around the house to scare each other late at night. Cries of "FFS TAYTAY" were a regular occurrence.

6. One of my friends was meeting up with a dude after school and was worried about it 'going too far', so we wrote angry warning messages in black pen below her trouser line.

7. I always listen to Let It Go from Frozen before job interviews, and so far it's worked a charm.

8. During uni, we stole a bunch of bricks that were lying around outside and used them to build a platform in our living room. We placed one sofa on top of the platform and the other on the ground in front of it. Boom: tiered sofas.

9. Growing up, my dad would fashion my duvets into mountain ranges and set me up with all my dinosaur toys to get me started on the epic adventures which would keep me entertained for hours.

10. I first realised I was okay at creative writing in year three when my teacher told the class that I'd got the highest mark for my story about a lizard who fell in love with the sun. I actually looked behind me, thinking she was speaking to somebody else.

11. I didn't go to the majority of my uni lectures because I was so insecure about my body.

12. I didn't think I was smart enough to go to uni, so my plan for several months was to try and be one of those people who sells fruit on the beach in Mexico.

13. I used to bring in presents for other kids on my birthday, but we didn't have much money. One year, I bought everyone a bouncy ball. Some super-rich asshole girl sneered that it was a shit present and I should have got her something better, so now I don't do that anymore.

14. I had my first 'boyfriend' when I was nine. I brought a photo of him to school and got marshmallow on his nose, and for Christmas I bought him a portable fan. For Valentines, he drew an eye, a heart and a German U-Boat in my card.

15. After my first interview with Sumo, I emailed recruitment and tried to withdraw from the process because I thought I wasn't good enough. She was like 'Um, they wanted another interview???' and I very quickly replied 'FORGET I SAID ANYTHING'. (paraphrased)

16. My mum's identical twin sister and I haven't spoken in years. She decided she didn't like me when I got sick in my teens and tried to make my mum chose her over me, after which they didn't talk for two years. It's really weird watching someone who looks like your mum say that

17. I used to go to a church where the dudes at the front would tell us how stupid evolution was, until I realised *they* were stupid

18. The first piece of creative writing I wrote for a game was a short story in RuneScape about sentient spiders and the goddess Elidinis, which was entirely inspired by @aptshadow's Children Of Time

19. My family are called The Windy Wickeses because we all fart so much (Longthorne is my pen name). I, however, have perfected the art of the ninja fart.

20. In my second year of uni, I learned not to trust guys who tell you "I'll be a gentleman, promise" after refusing to walk you home and insisting you crash at theirs

21. I didn't really have any friends in primary school so I used to spend lunchtimes on my own pretending to be Aragorn, which was actually pretty awesome tbh