sarah jeong

Kids these days don’t eat brownies like we used to in the old days. The brownies of our time were unicycles. These brownies are *tricycles*

But tricycles are obsolete. Or are they? One thing I’ve learned from my many travels that obsolete is the new cutting edge.

You know, I don’t think that brownie was very strong. I’ll have another.

Countries with McDonald’s don’t go to war with other countries with McDonald’s! Until they did. I could sure use some McDonald’s right now.

The world is flat. 2.0. Everything is flat. The floor is flat. The walls are flat. I am flat. **Please stop looking at me**

Silicon Valley is like an upside-down-reverse Venezuela and it won’t stop watching me from the shadows

I wish I could stop falling through this couch. It can’t be helped. If there's a lesson we should all take away, it’s this: China.

We were all Syria, all along.

**mustachioed silence**

*very quietly* Can I have some water?

Water is like capitalism. It covers 80% of the globe and we hardly notice it until it kills us with its rising tide.

Which brings me back to Thailand, and the (*overpronounces*) Songkran water festival. It’s a beautiful metaphor for the American Recovery.

Having water thrown at me while I was trapped in a tuk tuk was the exact same thing as the financial crisis. Oh god I wish I could breathe

Are you there? Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Am I even talking? My mouth is made of spiders

*tries to tear mustache off face*

*curls up in fetal position, whimpering*

/ Maureen Dowd is off today. /