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  1. Pinned Tweet
    28 Oct 2018

    “I’m leaving in 10 minutes” *Crank That (Soulja Boy) comes on* “Alright, I’ll stay till 3AM”

    Undo
  2. 6 hours ago

    I get violently ill every time I get into a car, but I still take Lyfts everywhere just to prove I can afford it

    Undo
  3. 9 hours ago

    Imagine enjoying Boston.

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  4. Retweeted
    Jul 16

    "Have you seen Kendall tonight? I’m trying to hit that. Imma just hit it once though, you know how I do. Nah, I’m just playin’, I love her with all my heart and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. - reconnects with a friend

    Undo
  5. Jul 16

    I don’t there are enough people out there who truly hate themselves

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  6. Jul 15

    Submitted a packet then asked my mom for good vibes and she texted “👍

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  7. Jul 14

    “It’s called erectile dysfunction, sweetie. Look it up” - a cool gen z person explaining why they can’t get hard

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  8. Jul 14

    If Beto lands a kickflip, but nobody is around to see it, does it make him a poseur?

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  9. Jul 13

    George Bush actually had 2 ribs removed to do 9/11

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  10. Jul 12

    Sometimes I feel bogged down by the weight of my intellect, but then I realize it’s the weight of the veggie burrito I had for lunch

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  11. Jul 11

    I was spelling my name over the phone and I said “S, as in sassafras”. So yeah, I write.

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  12. Jul 10

    Idk what your definition of the stranger is, but mine is wiping from back to front.

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  13. Jul 10

    Yes, I will donate to your campaign, but you have to read my NCIS spec and give thoughtful notes

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  14. Jul 9

    New Yorkers: I get murdered about 6 times a week and the trains are from the Neolithic period, but I love my city. Angelenos: ugh, pilot season.

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  15. Jul 9

    Whoever started using “personalities” as a euphemism for breasts must have been the original feminist

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  16. Jul 8

    Learning how to read so I can get on that Hot Guys Reading Instagram account

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  17. Jul 7

    Show me one gender reveal video where the dad doesn’t have patchy facial hair

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  18. Jul 6

    It must be exhausting to act in an Aaron Sorkin vehicle

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  19. Jul 6

    Got a few hours while my girlfriend picks a movie to watch AMA

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  20. Jul 6

    I once cheated at putting competition at golf camp. It's a miracle I didn't end up on Wall Street.

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  21. Jul 5

    You know what’s Keto friendly? My shorts.

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