Anxiety is like
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J Jennifer Espinoza
@sadqueer4life
transsexual poet • author of THERE SHOULD BE FLOWERS (2016) • I DON’T WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD ( 2024) • muse to
J Jennifer Espinoza’s Tweets
me: i'm a very private person
someone: hi
me: so i'll start by describing some of my lighter traumas before i get into the real bad stuff
might fuck around and show myself the same compassion and understanding i’d instinctively have for a good friend or loved one
man: i enjoy attaching fake testicles to my big dumb truck
society: cool
woman: i enjoy pumpkin spice & pop music
society: kill yourself
“i don’t know enough to have an opinion about that” is the most underrated sentence in the world
i used to think there was a fiona apple song for every occasion but it turns out i just have clinical depression
when i stop tweeting it’s because my mental health is bad and when i start tweeting again it’s also because my mental health is bad
transphobes love to be like ‘you can’t transition because your life will become too difficult due to the way i am going to treat you’
me: self-care is way more complex than people think, it takes prolonged and uncomfortable emotional self-examination, plus a willingness to challenge one’s deeply ingrained perceptions
also me: i bet if i drink this glass of water i won’t be mentally ill anymore
them: you’re an amazing writer
imposter syndrome: they’re just being polite
them: your work has literally changed my life
imposter syndrome: so polite of them to say that
them: i even got a tattoo of a line you wrote
imposter syndrome: they’re very dedicated to being polite
hey, wanna come over? i live right at the intersection of desperate longing for human connection and unrelenting terror at the thought of getting too close to anyone
briefly mistook this heartworm medication ad at the vet's office for some kind of bizarre anti-dog propaganda
as a poet i am good at noticing when sunlight is hitting something in an interesting way and am bad at literally everything else
hell yeah i’m gay
G- going
A- another
Y- year without speaking to most of my family
cute date idea: abolish ICE, open the border, dismantle all detention centers and dance joyously in the rubble
we’re here, we’re queer, we’re currently experiencing seasonal affective disorder on top of our normal year-round clinical depression so please be gentle
younger me: what if i packed everything up and ran away and found a place where no one knows my name, where i could start over and build a new life from scratch and maybe even find true happiness
me now: what if i went like two days without tweeting
once i rid myself of toxic shame, develop basic social skills, stop interpreting all stimuli as uncomfortable or threatening, and process a lifetime’s worth of trauma it’s over for you bitches
how the fuck does anyone have the energy to do anything
me: the notion of a collective womanhood is fraught w disparities in power/privilege
me drunk in a bar bathroom: all women ever are perfect
my two moods are “i can’t believe i get to be a person” and “i can’t believe i have to be a person”
me to myself: don’t overshare
someone: h-
me: funny how i spend all my time chasing validation from others even though i never developed the ability to believe anything good about myself
what doesn’t kill me gives me a bunch of weird chronic symptoms i’m convinced are going to kill me
me: i'm a very private person
them: hi
me: so here's a list of my recent panic attacks along w some basic triggers & existential fears
being a male intellectual is easy, all you have to do is begin every statement with the word “essentially” and ask women “did you read the article” when they wrote it
me to myself: be cool
someone: what's ur favorite song
me: it depends on whatever childhood trauma i'm currently attempting to process
me: hi
someone who thinks 13 reasons why is an accurate portrayal of mental illness:
any trans people want to meet at the top of a mountain and just scream into the sky for like an hour
Reminder that I didn’t transition from one gender to another as much as I just kinda changed what type of lesbian I am
some people fake it till they make it but i just avoid it till it crushes me
literally cannot understand how anyone has the energy to do anything
can’t tell if i contain multitudes or if i’m just full of shit
what i say: i’ve made some huge progress lately
what i mean: i can now occasionally express one of my wants or needs honestly and clearly as long as i have the rest of the day to recover from it
My kink is having no idea what the fuck any of you are talking about
i want to DIE
D- do better in life
I- improve my mental health
E- emotionally connect w other humans
once i figure out how to accomplish simple everyday tasks without spiraling into a stress-induced panic attack it’s over for you bitches
me to myself: no need to overshare, just make small talk
me 3 seconds later: i think my deep-seated fear of confrontation stems from being repeatedly yelled at and demeaned as a young child, which incidentally also has a lot to do with my issues around self-esteem, and furthermo
my two moods re dating:
-i want to grow as a person with someone, experiencing mutual vulnerability as we shed obsolete survival skills and challenge one another to be the realest, healthiest versions of ourselves
-i want to be fucked until i feel like i deserve to exist
a man slowed his car to tell me to smile so i made my face even bitchier in response, but then was like “that gives him power over me,” so i started smiling and was like “this gives him power too,” and then i realized i have no self outside of misogynistic expectations: a memoir
things to do:
-listen as your day unfolds
-challenge what the future holds
-keep your head up to the sky
-stand up and be counted
-don’t be ashamed to cry
things to be:
-bad
-bold
-wiser
-hard
-tough
-stronger
-cool
-calm
-together
things to remember:
-love will save the day
them: wyd?
me: nm, just interrogating my deepest held beliefs abt myself & trying to reshape the way my brain forms my particlular reality
you: we should strive to make straight people feel as comfortable as possible around us so they might one day come to realize we are simply human beings with hopes, dreams, and loves, just like them!
me, a queer intellectual:
i’ve been married to my best friend for 8 months and i still can’t get over how amazing it feels!! 👰💕👰🌈✨
you: i was radicalized by the writings of karl marx
me, an intellectual: i was radicalized by animorphs
the transgender conspiracy to stay alive and have basic human rights
She proposed to me at sunset, beneath a tree in the same desert where we first fell in love, and I said yes!!!!!! 🥺😭💕
i haven’t written any poems lately but i’ve cried a lot which is the exact same thing
is sapiosexuality the one where you only date people who sarcastically refer to every sport as "sportsball"
transitioning from “sad girl” to “girl who takes responsibility for her emotions while learning to heal and engage in self-care but not in that obnoxious ‘everyone should just drink more water and go live on a farm’ way, and also still v sad about how fucked the world is”
jimmy eat world’s 2001 hit single “the middle” is a trans girl anthem and i will not be told otherwise
i’m just a girl standing in front of her own body asking it to please stop keeping the fucking score
i survived a fucked up childhood and all i got was this inability to tell the difference between what i actually want and what i think others want me to want
not a huge fan of this whole “existing in a human body” business
when the thing ruining ur life is too specific &unrelatable to get any catharsis from joking abt it on the internet
one cool thing i do is i shut the fuck up when i haven’t educated myself enough to have a fully formed opinion about something
me 2 myself: k lets keep the conversation light & fun
3 min later: as a child i was made 2 feel like my needs didnt matter, & as a result i
me trying to flirt with cis women: oh my god i can’t believe i just said “hi” to her. is that too forward? am i being creepy simply by existing? i don’t want to make her feel guilty if she isn’t into trans women. oh god i should just shut up
cis women trying to flirt with me:
queer flirting: so what’s your favorite way to healthily grieve your lost childhood?
me pre-transition: i need to get real with myself and finally begin to seriously and thoughtfully explore my gender identity—this is life-or-death stuff here
me now: my gender is avril lavigne complicated.mp3
my brain: i feel bad
me: it's ok, feelings are temporary
my brain: so is life, so is everything and everyone you've ever loved
me: jesus
look, i’m not a prideful woman, all i’m saying is i’d rather wander aimlessly around this hardware store until i’m dead from dehydration than have one of these men condescendingly explain anything to me
believe women!!*
*unless they’re trans or not white or the guy they’re accusing is your friend or you “just really like his work” and have “only ever had positive experiences with him” and you can’t fathom anyone else’s reality outside your own privileged white lady bubble
having the lowest possible expectations and still ending up disappointed: a memoir
all my life i was told i just needed to pray more which is why i now begin every day by looking up at the sky and screaming THANK YOU GOD FOR MAKING ME THE GAYEST BITCH ALIVE
getting worse at tweeting is an important part of my healing journey
my kink is assuming everyone is judging me as harshly as i’m judging myself
my sexual orientation is anyone who is cute and doesn’t suck which makes me a de facto lesbian
i’m coming out as someone who claims to have visible leg hair because of feminism when in reality it’s because of laziness
me immediate post-breakup: I am going to stop relying on relationships to define who I am. I am going to finally get to know myself, love myself, and live for myself fully. This is my time to shine.
me now: any hot skateboard girl want to ruin life pls
i love you as much as heterosexual couples love referring to the bare minimum as “relationship goals”
fucked up how a man could literally burn my house to the ground and i’d still be like “okay, i’m just gonna take a day to calm down so when i confront him he can’t make it seem like i’m a crazy bitch for having emotions about this”
true life: i thought i was a “quirky girl” but it turns out i’m just deeply traumatized and unable to function in a society built around one’s capacity to perform labor under capitalism
I started taking hormones 18 months ago, and it was by far the best decision I’ve ever made for myself!!
being a person sucks, i just wanna transfer my consciousness into a tree and chill for like a thousand years
i can’t believe i gay married the love of my life a year ago today!!
“are you straight or gay?” bro i am literally the moon having a dream about itself
hobbies include noticing self-defeating thought patterns and behaviors and tracing them back to their origins until i fully comprehend their existence as coping mechanisms for deeply ingrained traumas and then just going “huh, interesting” and moving on
my body isn’t so much a temple as it is a monument to pure, unbridled anxiety
“yeah, i’m doing this totally intense spiritual cleanse right now” -me when i go a day without tweeting
my traumatized ass attempting to openly express any wants, needs, or feelings
THE REASON YOU HATE TRANSSEXUALS IS BECAUSE
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ALT
me as a kid: *obsessed with reading and will read literally anything lying around*
me now: *can't process anything longer than a tweet*
i have never once in my life been chill, when i was seven years old my biggest fear was spontaneous human combustion
being a poet is often a difficult and thankless thing but today i got to lead a poetry workshop in which i had a large group of teens repeatedly chanting FEELINGS ARE GOOD so it’s totally worth it
lana whispering “pabst blue ribbon on ice” in this is what makes us girls>>>>radiohead’s entire discography
me: i am a strong, beautiful, self-possessed woman and i will no longer apologize for my existence
me bumping into the side of a couch: oh fuck i’m so sorry