I need advice for respectfully asking *why* someone made the decision they did. (In a situation where someone presumably had a *good* reason, but my next action depends on my knowing *which reason it was*.) Directly asking "why" always feels like rudely second-guessing them.
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Replying to @s_r_constantin
"Why? I'm curious." ^ this is the most genuine way to go about it, assuming those are the two thoughts in your head. If you're curious, it'll show curiosity, if you're second guessing, that will be blatantly obvious too.
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Replying to @louislva @s_r_constantin
Or one of the "what" questions, followed by "I'm curious"
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Replying to @chriswaterguy @s_r_constantin
Sure, but my main point is that everyone is overdoing it. She asked how to ask why, which probably means "why" is what she means deep down inside. No need to be inauthentic.
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Replying to @louislva @chriswaterguy
Sometimes I don't have the time to deal with being misunderstood as being insulting or "uppity" -- I need to know the answer so I can do my job, and it's easier to do that if I don't trigger anyone's emotional defenses.
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Replying to @s_r_constantin @chriswaterguy
Of course; it's not that I believe authenticity is more important than being understood productively. It's just my experience that the emotional quality of a message has nothing to do with the words, and everything to do with the sender's mind's inner-workings.
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Replying to @louislva @chriswaterguy
I don't know you, and this is a gender stereotype, but: if you are a man, and you think insincere soothing noises don't work (i.e. that only authenticity works) then my prior is that you just don't have any idea how much insincere soothing is going on around you.
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Replying to @s_r_constantin @chriswaterguy
I get quitely pissed about it many times every day :)
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I think a fair reason not to listen to me is rather that I get way more triggered about this than most other people. I don't know if that's the case, but could be.
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I think people develop (and train!) "customer service voice" because it works on a good chunk of the population. Likewise "deescalation" is effective enough on violent people that it's part of first responders' training. It works on most; maybe not you.
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Replying to @s_r_constantin @chriswaterguy
Haha, my strategy is to avoid getting in a situation where de-escalation is nessacary, but yeah
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