"Why? I'm curious." ^ this is the most genuine way to go about it, assuming those are the two thoughts in your head. If you're curious, it'll show curiosity, if you're second guessing, that will be blatantly obvious too.
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Or one of the "what" questions, followed by "I'm curious"
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Good question. Could try: “What happened?” “How did that come about?” “What inspired you to do that?” Avoiding the word “why” is fairly standard advice in psychiatry/therapy. It can be confrontational. Most people don’t have great reasons for why they do things and that’s ok.
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Thanks! Phrasings that use the word "what" instead of the word "why" suddenly sound much less confrontational! Glad to hear this is a Known Thing.
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if it's not private from them, you could say the actual reason you're asking. "i'm trying to figure out whether to do X or Y or ... so that I can get [benefits], and so i'm wondering what your reasons for doing Z were, so i can figure out consequences W"
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Clarify why you have a stake and deserve the extra elaboration. I almost never explain myself and am often in the counterparty position to the one you describe. I usually ignore or make a joke like “takes for free, explanations for $” unless they explain why they need to know
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I sometimes try to make it sound like I'm asking their advice for how I should approach a similar situation in the future. Conveying that message usually requires intonation more than what words you choose.
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"I appreciate your decision, would like to understand the reasoning behind it so we are both on the same page"
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"what was your reasoning behind..." can be less confrontational than "why did you..."
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"Could you please tell me your reasoning behind your decision to ... ? I'd like to know, because ... "
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