Everyone needs validation! The problem is not that you need it, the problem is that you *never give yourself any* so you’re looking for it externally. You’re not greedy, you’re *starving*.
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It’s interesting to compare and contrast this with Ayn Rand’s take on the same issue. She *gets* that insecurity/motivated cognition/social validation-seeking is an incredibly destructive force, and that it’s really common but *not* a necessary part of the human condition.
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Her portrait of an insecure people-pleaser (Peter Keating) could have been a vignette in the CPTSD book. Raised by a domineering mother, a young man becomes obsessed with social approval & professional “success”, to the point that he has no idea what he himself thinks or feels —
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eventually his sucking up to people escalates to plagiarism, betraying his best friend, ruining his romantic relationship, and even murder. Outwardly he seems nice and competent, but he’s actually miserable and morally rudderless.
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The problem is that he’s the villain. He has no way to redeem himself. Rand tends to describe the pathologies of insecurity as evil. And while they *are* really harmful, and it *does* make sense for people to learn to recognize dangerous people and defend themselves,
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just identifying the pattern as “evil” is a *totally inept* form of guidance for people who struggle with insecurity. It’s a useful wake-up call if you weren’t previously aware of the problem, but it’s not a method for solving the problem.
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According to the CPTSD book, it’s super common for people to realize “Oh! I have an irrational, dysfunctional behavior pattern! Now that I understand that, I’ll just never do it again.” And then you do it again. And get discouraged, and give up.
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In a “well resourced” mental state, you feel clear, open-minded, able to take criticism, and you like yourself. You don’t feel the need to be defensive or people-pleasing or hide from reality.
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If you switch between states like that, and states where you have overwhelming cravings to do things you know are dumb, the latter state is an emotional flashback. And “I’ll never have a flashback again, now that I know they’re Bad” is an unrealistic promise to make.
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The book’s approach is a.) notice flashbacks *early* when they’re *little* and apply self-compassion; b.) make time for working through grief and anger at how you were mistreated in the past. Cry and yell. Put the blame on the perpetrators, instead of on yourself or on innocents.
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To clarify: blame is complicated, in this model. There are studies showing that Holocaust survivors are much more likely than the rest of the population to physically abuse their children. Obviously, the survivors aren't pure "unmoved movers" who are evil for no reason.
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Attributing *causation* accurately means "the Nazis traumatized the parents, who then beat their children, which caused trauma in the children." It doesn't necessarily mean you can't have compassion for the parents.
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