So “fear of social punishment”, and all the attendant coping mechanisms (self-isolating, being defensive, perfectionism, self-serving biases, etc) is *hard* to get rid of, ie it might take decades from the point you first decide you want to change.
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The book is *extremely gears-level and accurate* about how emotional flashbacks work, in a way I’ve never seen in writing before.
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You encounter something that makes you feel a *little* bad. You’re like “pshaw, this is no big deal” and dismiss the feeling. But it tends to *escalate* gradually into a bad day; you get irritable, you get down on yourself, you do things you feel ashamed of...
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The solution is to *actually be nice to yourself*. Yes, really. Like a loving mother. The book has example scripts like “you are a good person” and “you don’t have to be perfect to get my love and protection.” It’s kind of magical how well that works.
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“But should I really be nice to myself? I do things I objectively shouldn’t! Isn’t this kind of...unjust?” Nope! Common rookie mistake!
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It would totally be unfair of you to expect *other people* to give you endless, unconditional love and support. But that doesn’t apply to *you*. You’re stuck with yourself for good; you *can* commit to being on your own side no matter what.
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Everyone needs validation! The problem is not that you need it, the problem is that you *never give yourself any* so you’re looking for it externally. You’re not greedy, you’re *starving*.
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It’s interesting to compare and contrast this with Ayn Rand’s take on the same issue. She *gets* that insecurity/motivated cognition/social validation-seeking is an incredibly destructive force, and that it’s really common but *not* a necessary part of the human condition.
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Her portrait of an insecure people-pleaser (Peter Keating) could have been a vignette in the CPTSD book. Raised by a domineering mother, a young man becomes obsessed with social approval & professional “success”, to the point that he has no idea what he himself thinks or feels —
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Replying to @s_r_constantin
do you think the "insecurity isn't inevitable" approach is helpful, given how hard it is to actually eradicate it? one thing I like about ACT therapy is that it avoids the "healthy normality" model; in practice, I think increased acceptance (which then helped reduce the behavior)
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Actually yes, I do. “insecurity isn’t inevitable but it’s really normal to struggle for a long time, it’s not fair or your fault, it’s something your parents put into you and *their* parents put into them, but we’re working on it” is more hopeful iMO
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Replying to @s_r_constantin
ah, I can see that. makes sense to me, and you're right, it is more hopeful
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