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Sarah Constantin
Sarah Constantin
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Sarah Constantin

@s_r_constantin

Math/ML/data-science person now working on solving aging. Founder, LRI and Daphnia Labs. Discourse goes here.

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Vrijeme pridruživanja: veljača 2019.

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    1. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
      • Prijavi Tweet

      If you ever struggle with “problem behaviors” like losing your temper, feeling like you have to be perfect, procrastinating, people-pleasing, or hating yourself, I highly recommend the book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

      6 replies 62 proslijeđena tweeta 344 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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    2. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
      • Prijavi Tweet

      Don’t let the title throw you off: it’s not just applicable to people who had dramatically horrible childhoods. The book’s thesis is that people can get fucked up by parents who were “merely” emotionally distant or verbally cruel.

      6 replies 4 proslijeđena tweeta 45 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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      Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
      • Prijavi Tweet

      An “emotional flashback” or “being triggered”, in the book’s lexicon, is basically any time someone “freaks out” or has an excessive emotional reaction to a situation. Also, “motivated cognition”, “denial”, “being avoidant”, all kinds of fear of looking at the truth.

      08:42 - 31. sij 2020.
      • 3 proslijeđena tweeta
      • 25 oznaka „sviđa mi se”
      • Moiz Rafay Alan Cyril “Hank/Randy” Dempsey 祈るみたいに歩いた genevieve ❄️ 🔥Chris Waterguy elle (is trying to write) Conor White-Sullivan🧢 margwarett Sarah McManus
      1 reply 3 proslijeđena tweeta 25 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
        1. Novi razgovor
        2. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          Those dysfunctional patterns seem like just “the human condition” or “things everybody does”; but the book implies that they are due to trauma and that it is in principle possible to *wholly* eliminate them; it’s just REALLY hard.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 29 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        3. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          If any time you notice you screwed up, you punish yourself, because you associate mistakes with childhood punishment, then it’s hard to stop that pattern because you’ll punish yourself...for punishing yourself.

          2 proslijeđena tweeta 42 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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        4. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          So “fear of social punishment”, and all the attendant coping mechanisms (self-isolating, being defensive, perfectionism, self-serving biases, etc) is *hard* to get rid of, ie it might take decades from the point you first decide you want to change.

          2 proslijeđena tweeta 25 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        5. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The book is *extremely gears-level and accurate* about how emotional flashbacks work, in a way I’ve never seen in writing before.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 24 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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        6. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          You encounter something that makes you feel a *little* bad. You’re like “pshaw, this is no big deal” and dismiss the feeling. But it tends to *escalate* gradually into a bad day; you get irritable, you get down on yourself, you do things you feel ashamed of...

          1 reply 4 proslijeđena tweeta 27 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        7. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The solution is to *actually be nice to yourself*. Yes, really. Like a loving mother. The book has example scripts like “you are a good person” and “you don’t have to be perfect to get my love and protection.” It’s kind of magical how well that works.

          1 reply 4 proslijeđena tweeta 48 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        8. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          “But should I really be nice to myself? I do things I objectively shouldn’t! Isn’t this kind of...unjust?” Nope! Common rookie mistake!

          6 proslijeđenih tweetova 32 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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        9. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          It would totally be unfair of you to expect *other people* to give you endless, unconditional love and support. But that doesn’t apply to *you*. You’re stuck with yourself for good; you *can* commit to being on your own side no matter what.

          1 reply 7 proslijeđenih tweetova 61 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa
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        10. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          Everyone needs validation! The problem is not that you need it, the problem is that you *never give yourself any* so you’re looking for it externally. You’re not greedy, you’re *starving*.

          1 reply 12 proslijeđenih tweetova 67 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        11. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          It’s interesting to compare and contrast this with Ayn Rand’s take on the same issue. She *gets* that insecurity/motivated cognition/social validation-seeking is an incredibly destructive force, and that it’s really common but *not* a necessary part of the human condition.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 18 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        12. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          Her portrait of an insecure people-pleaser (Peter Keating) could have been a vignette in the CPTSD book. Raised by a domineering mother, a young man becomes obsessed with social approval & professional “success”, to the point that he has no idea what he himself thinks or feels —

          0 proslijeđenih tweetova 17 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        13. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          eventually his sucking up to people escalates to plagiarism, betraying his best friend, ruining his romantic relationship, and even murder. Outwardly he seems nice and competent, but he’s actually miserable and morally rudderless.

          0 proslijeđenih tweetova 15 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        14. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The problem is that he’s the villain. He has no way to redeem himself. Rand tends to describe the pathologies of insecurity as evil. And while they *are* really harmful, and it *does* make sense for people to learn to recognize dangerous people and defend themselves,

          0 proslijeđenih tweetova 22 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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        15. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          just identifying the pattern as “evil” is a *totally inept* form of guidance for people who struggle with insecurity. It’s a useful wake-up call if you weren’t previously aware of the problem, but it’s not a method for solving the problem.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 29 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        16. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          According to the CPTSD book, it’s super common for people to realize “Oh! I have an irrational, dysfunctional behavior pattern! Now that I understand that, I’ll just never do it again.” And then you do it again. And get discouraged, and give up.

          1 reply 2 proslijeđena tweeta 37 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        17. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          In a “well resourced” mental state, you feel clear, open-minded, able to take criticism, and you like yourself. You don’t feel the need to be defensive or people-pleasing or hide from reality.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 35 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        18. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          If you switch between states like that, and states where you have overwhelming cravings to do things you know are dumb, the latter state is an emotional flashback. And “I’ll never have a flashback again, now that I know they’re Bad” is an unrealistic promise to make.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 30 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        19. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The book’s approach is a.) notice flashbacks *early* when they’re *little* and apply self-compassion; b.) make time for working through grief and anger at how you were mistreated in the past. Cry and yell. Put the blame on the perpetrators, instead of on yourself or on innocents.

          1 proslijeđeni tweet 37 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        20. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          (Mistreatment “counts” as such even if it’s normal in your culture. There are probably many things we think are “normal” to do to children which are wrong and damage their minds.)

          0 proslijeđenih tweetova 29 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        21. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          Once I had this model, I see “triggered” behavior EVERYWHERE. “Is this person being reactive/defensive/flinchy/avoidant/appeasing?” Well, often, yes! It makes me both more compassionate and more judgmental, if that makes sense.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 33 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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        22. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          I often ask myself the question “was that person doing a dumb thing just there, or was it actually the optimal move in a game of N-dimensional chess I don’t understand?” Well, if they have the speech patterns and body language of a triggered person, it’s probably a dumb thing.

          1 proslijeđeni tweet 30 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        23. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          (obviously, it’s much harder to tell if you haven’t observed the person yourself, which is why speculating about the motives of people you only know from the news is so unreliable.)

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 16 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        24. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The model in the CPTSD book also neatly explains how you can get so many "life-changing epiphanies" that don't stick. Going to a self-improvement workshop, or reading a good book or having a good conversation, can *put you in a non-triggered, well-resourced mental state.*

          1 reply 1 proslijeđeni tweet 31 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa
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        25. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          Inside that mental state, you feel like "Gosh, I was so insecure before! I don't feel *any* need to do those dumb things any more, now that I realize that I'm a basically good person and I can actually look at the problems in my life as solvable! I'm cured!"

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 24 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
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        26. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          But then if you get triggered again, you're back to being the person you were before, so you'll conclude the epiphany was "fake." It wasn't -- you really were in a better, saner state temporarily. But it wasn't a "cure" either.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 29 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        27. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          Actual progress, says the book, means *gradually* getting triggered *less often*, and catching your triggered states earlier so they don't escalate as high or knock you out for as long.

          1 reply 1 proslijeđeni tweet 26 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        28. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The book's model is an alternative to the traditional "rationalist" model a la @ESYudkowsky's Sequences. The theory of cognitive bias is "people are full of motivated cognition by default; evolution didn't build our brains to think clearly and accurately..."

          1 reply 1 proslijeđeni tweet 12 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        29. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          "so we are *by nature* prone to flinch from harsh truths and otherwise avoid reality. But maybe if you're extremely motivated and work very hard to resist cognitive temptations, you can overcome them."

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 12 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        30. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          The trauma model of motivated cognition is more like "There is a "default healthy state" which is at least MUCH MORE reasonable and reality-oriented than the way most people are when they're driven by motivated cognition. This state doesn't necessarily take effort to reach;

          1 reply 1 proslijeđeni tweet 16 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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        31. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 31. sij
          • Prijavi Tweet

          "you may have had it naturally as a child, or you may fall into it now and then by sheer luck. Most if not all motivated cognition is the effect of a specific mental motion that you might call "self-punishment" or "flinching", which you learn to do from being bullied.

          1 reply 0 proslijeđenih tweetova 13 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
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