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s_r_constantin's profile
Sarah Constantin
Sarah Constantin
Sarah Constantin
@s_r_constantin

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Sarah Constantin

@s_r_constantin

Math/ML/data-science person now working on solving aging...and helping with COVID19?! Founder, LRI and Daphnia Labs. Married to @oscredwin

Be
srconstantin.posthaven.com
Joined February 2019

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    1. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      Why? If an assessment of a person conveys useful information, you can use it to accomplish goals. Same as all knowledge.

      1 reply 0 retweets 12 likes
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    2. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      Of course, when you think about it that way, it’s obvious that often you don’t have enough info to assess people, or your true assessment is kind of boring and moderate.

      1 reply 0 retweets 12 likes
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    3. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      True judgments of people allow for relative magnitudes, not just adjectives. Once I was arguing with a friend that I was “not very good at math.” He disagreed. Once we pinned it down we both agreed that there are probably 5000-10,000 living Americans better at math than me.

      1 reply 2 retweets 26 likes
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    4. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      True judgments of people allow you to say “this person is better than average in such-and-such a respect, but still not good enough to achieve such-and-such a goal.” Not everything has to be a dichotomy.

      2 replies 1 retweet 20 likes
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    5. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      Actually evaluating people — such that you can accurately predict their future behavior — is hard and I’m not unusually good at it.

      1 reply 0 retweets 10 likes
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    6. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      What I do think I’m decent at is discerning *when I don’t care* what the truth about the person is. When I’m thinking about the cartoon of them in my head, rather the imperfectly known real person outside it. (Because @oscredwin calls me out on that!)

      1 reply 0 retweets 17 likes
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    7. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      You’re gonna have things you don’t care about! Or that you only talk about as a pretext to talk about your own feelings and agendas. Or that you only talk about as a joke or for social bonding fodder.

      1 reply 0 retweets 11 likes
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    8. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      But for every topic that you only talk about as a way of talking about something else, there will be people who literally care about the thing itself.

      1 reply 0 retweets 20 likes
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    9. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      Celebrities and news events are the obvious example; for some people they’re a conversational hook or meme; to a much smaller number of people they’re real life.

      1 reply 0 retweets 12 likes
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    10. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      A lot of gossipy “judgments” people make are just *not real* in this way. They’re designed to make a good story or hyperbolic one-upping move. You can’t use them to navigate reality; and translating the subtext into text is fiendishly hard.

      1 reply 2 retweets 20 likes
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      Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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      Insecurity and shame makes it hard to talk about “hey, you shouldn’t have done that thing” without getting derailed by whether the criticism is “insulting” or “judgmental”.

      5:19 PM - 15 Dec 2019
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        2. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          In particular, conveying “it is especially important that you change” sounds exactly like “you are especially bad as a person” or “you should be especially harshly punished.”

          1 reply 0 retweets 18 likes
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        3. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          This sucks because often the biggest, highest priority positive impact on the world would come from a change in the behavior of a person who’s *already doing a lot of good*.

          1 reply 1 retweet 20 likes
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        4. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          Let’s say it’s the 19th century and you’re trying to convince doctors to wash their hands. These are people who have dedicated their lives to healing the sick! They’re cleaner than most people! How dare you accuse them of killing patients! Are you saying they should be hanged?

          1 reply 5 retweets 25 likes
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        5. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          How do you convey *urgency* (you really have to wash your hands! People are dying!) without cruelty (I really don’t want to make you feel bad about yourself or make anyone hate you; just wash your hands!)

          1 reply 2 retweets 33 likes
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        6. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          Even harder mode: what if the issue isn’t so much present harms as the *absence* of potential benefits? How can you hold people accountable for missed opportunities— the houses not built, the cures not discovered, the technologies not invented?

          1 reply 2 retweets 19 likes
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        7. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          Any way you try to express this, you’ll often be “blaming” the people who are already *doing the most to contribute* for not doing even more.

          1 reply 0 retweets 16 likes
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        8. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          You don’t have to be an unusually bad person to miss an unusually important opportunity.

          1 reply 0 retweets 19 likes
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        9. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          In fact, you don’t have to be an unusually bad person to commit an atrocity either. Genocides are committed by *normal* people who would never do a socially deviant thing like rob a bank.

          1 reply 2 retweets 22 likes
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        10. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          Our intuitions for “a really bad person” are about “who could we all agree to punish”, not at all about “who is causally responsible for great harm or missed opportunity for great good.”

          2 replies 2 retweets 31 likes
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        11. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          It’s really really hard to express *the need for change* all by itself, without smuggling in shame/punishment.

          2 replies 1 retweet 21 likes
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        12. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          Also super hard: saying “this needs to change and I have no idea how to do that.” People will read it as you judging them for not having solved the whole problem already.

          1 reply 1 retweet 18 likes
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        13. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          I used to feel super defensive about people talking about “systemic problems.” Pro tip: if you’re conservative or libertarian, mentally replace “systemic problem” with “incentive problem.” You might find you agree there is one!

          2 replies 6 retweets 44 likes
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        14. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          The overall pattern is that even if your goal is just to say “there’s a problem, let’s try to solve it”, you run the risk of either making people feel judged, or being so understated you aren’t listened to at all.

          1 reply 0 retweets 19 likes
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        15. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 15 Dec 2019
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          Urgency without cruelty totally exists; think of pulling a child back from running in the street and shouting “No!” You don’t want to hurt the kid, you’re 100% uninterested in labeling him “bad”, you just *need him to stop right now*.

          1 reply 3 retweets 24 likes
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        16. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          I’ve noticed a thing where *once you get over the hump* of defensive posturing around “are you saying I suck as a person? Of course I don’t suck!” and establish that *we’re not talking about that*, feedback and problem solving immediately gets more productive.

          1 reply 1 retweet 16 likes
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        17. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          One way that gets resolved is by crisis. You fucked up, your fuckup has been exposed, and now we all have to work together to fix it; suddenly the communication around how to fix it becomes more productive, and you wish you could have been talking this candidly all along.

          1 reply 1 retweet 9 likes
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        18. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          In “An Everyone Culture” they describe a company that has an onboarding process where you self-evaluate as either tending to be arrogant or underconfident, and you tell everybody this. There is no “making a good impression” here; everyone has a character flaw.

          1 reply 0 retweets 10 likes
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        19. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          I see this as trying to “get over the hump” early; so you don’t have to spend months or years foolishly trying to prove you have no character flaws and you’re the perfect hardworking emotionally balanced employee (so please don’t fire me.)

          1 reply 0 retweets 8 likes
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        20. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          I think something similar is going on in discourse about “white fragility” and such. White people tend to want to prove they’re innocent of racism — “don’t judge or punish me! I’m not bad!” Well, the alternate perspective is “maybe you’re good, maybe you’re bad, I don’t care;

          1 reply 0 retweets 10 likes
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        21. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          can we *please* work on the *actual problems people face related to race* and stop changing the subject to whether you’re a good or bad person?”

          1 reply 0 retweets 18 likes
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        22. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          “Ok, fine, you want me to judge you? Ok, you’re a bad person. I can see your flaws. *Now* can we stop posturing over whether you’re perfect or not and move on to what a bunch of imperfect people can do to solve the problem?”

          1 reply 1 retweet 9 likes
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        23. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          It can be a relief when your flaws are finally out in the open and the other person *isn’t* actually abandoning you or beating you up or whatever. “Yes, I can see you suck at this. Everyone can see it. No, I don’t hate you for that. What now?”

          1 reply 0 retweets 13 likes
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        24. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          You can get to the same place with loving acceptance instead of harshness, but I think that can be even harder. It works best IME when it’s coming from someone like a close friend or partner who is *credible* when they say they love you and they’re not trying to put you down.

          1 reply 0 retweets 7 likes
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        25. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          @oscredwin likes to tell me “I’m *never* arguing with you about “Sarah, pro or con?” I married you; I’m pro! If you killed someone, I’d help you hide the body!” And I know him, and this is true, and so we can go back to the *actual* issue.

          1 reply 0 retweets 17 likes
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        26. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          Defensiveness and insecurity basically do harm by distracting attention and wasting time. Each individual instance doesn’t delay dealing with the issue that long, but they add up.

          1 reply 0 retweets 8 likes
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        27. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          It’s not that it’s “not okay” to have feelings about “feeling judged.” (“ok” isn’t a primordial thing anyway!) It’s that whatever someone was being “judgy” about might be an *actual issue that still matters* and changing the topic to feelings makes us forget the object level.

          1 reply 0 retweets 9 likes
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        28. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          (Or all that might be irrelevant! Sometimes people are being mean/gossipy/judgy just cause they wanna, and there is no object level problem. If you only pay attention to tone and not content, though, you’ll never know the difference.)

          2 replies 0 retweets 6 likes
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        29. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          *Not* being defensive or full of “motivated cognition” or relitigating the same fights over and over can be scary in a new way because you’re covering brand new territory. It’s like a TV show that covers too much plot per episode; you worry they’ll run out of plot!

          1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
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        30. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          If you’re *not* pattern-marching each other’s positions to dumber, less nuanced ones, the two of you will rapidly start to diverge from the rest of society; you’ll become high-context, illegible, hard for most people who don’t know you to understand.

          1 reply 1 retweet 12 likes
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        31. Sarah Constantin‏ @s_r_constantin 16 Dec 2019
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          I’m not really sure what to do about that one. I’ve always had a sense that it’s nicer/more cooperative to be easy to understand. After all, we all were newbies once at anything we’re expert in today. It feels *weird* to have thoughts I don’t expect to be able to explain.

          1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
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