Perhaps people don't understand romantic relationships because they don't understand parent-child relationships.
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E.g. the conventional view that the only option is to "sit with and feel that pain" (or else to suppress it): http://mind-crush.com/2019/06/committed-to-you-on-fluidity-in-relationships/ … Imagine recommending that to a child! Good grief. And yet people know no alternative. It's crying and sitting with pain or it's worse pain later.
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Replying to @reasonisfun
I think I disagree. The capacity to “tough things out” can be very convenient, and children are born with basically none of it. Coaching kids on to persevere through frustrations (nothing cruel, I mean things like “We can’t do what you want till we get there”) seems good.
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Replying to @reasonisfun @s_r_constantin
As an adult with control over my own time, I voluntarily spent 10 days mostly just learning how to sit quietly in a dark room alone with myself, undistracted: http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/review-vipassana-center-silent-meditation-retreat/ … It was pretty unpleasant at first but by the end I could enjoy extended solitude.
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My sense is that people who don't learn this skill typically have MUCH less autonomy, they desperately need constant distraction. I expect that the experience of learning to e.g. sleep alone, for kids, is similar, and similarly developmentally valuable.
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Nonautonomous people CAN'T freely consent to things, so kids have to go through some stages before they can really choose.
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The way to not be cruel about it is to ... not be cruel about it! No point in imposing extra suffering on purpose, just denying kids things they can learn to live without that are too expensive for you to sustainably provide, is enough (& validating that the process can be hard).
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Yeah, I don’t impose suffering for its own sake! I’m talking limits like “the kid’s safety”, “the limits of physical possibility”, “not disrupting other people” or “what’s reasonably comfortable/affordable for me”.
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Replying to @s_r_constantin @reasonisfun
Ben Hoffman Retweeted Sarah Constantin
I think this tweet created some ambiguity on that point:https://twitter.com/s_r_constantin/status/1187737733747208192 …
Ben Hoffman added,
Sarah Constantin @s_r_constantinReplying to @s_r_constantin @reasonisfunI’m genuinely unsure on whether to encourage my kid to learn to mentally “turn off” his awareness of body pain like I did. On the one hand it’s super convenient (eg for sports); on the other hand I’ve had to unlearn parts of it recently to take better care of my health.0 replies 0 retweets 1 likeThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
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