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Fastnålad Tweet
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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You're not "baby." You're 43, divorced & thinking about refinancing your mortgage. You drink your coffee black. Your 17 year old son Blake insists that you call him Lucifer because that is what people call him in Fortnite. You've been on blood pressure medication for a few years.
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After you've seen Avengers: Endgame, they should give you a card that certifies that you've seen all the movies. This way, when a dude asks if you've seen the movies but doesn't believe you & starts to explain them, you whip out the card and say "Dude." This plan is fool proof.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like "no, there's already lemon on it"
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
I don't know who needs to hear this right now but you can eat lasagna in the shower if you want to. It's not illegal. They can't arrest you. Go and be free.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
[How I imagined my 20s as a kid] partying, drinking, staying out all night [What my 20s are actually like] keeping a close eye on the birds in the backyard because I'm pretty sure they are in a rival gang that opposes the squirrels & I wanna see how that drama plays out honestly
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
GENIE: You could ask for world peace or true love but all you want is two lasagnas? ME: RACCOON: ME: RACCOON: [sliding me a $20] ME: ... Yes
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
Imagine the time I would save doing my make-up if I was a cyclops and only had to do my mascara for one eye.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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I'm not saying I'm petty but I am anonymously sending my ex that cheated on me the spoilers from Avengers: Endgame.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
Things that DON’T make you ugly: • acne • being over/under weight • scars • stretch marks • crooked/yellow teeth • body hair • eczema/rashes • fat rolls Things that DO make you ugly: • disliking raccoons
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
Walk into the club like "Wow, it's really loud in here & I'd like to go home."
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
Here is a little money saving tip that I've learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?] GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should've figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
if i eat a donut i cannot think for 24 whole hours. it’s come to the point where if there’s a sudden free donut situation I see them and they glow. they fucking glow into my eyes. and now i gotta deal with that
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
DATE: I want to date someone that appreciates the best things in life ME: [to waiter] Bring me your finest Doritos & a bottle of Mountain Dew for the table, please
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
If you're going to describe yourself as a "cat person" on your dating profile and show up to the date without a tail & cat ears, I'm not going to be mad but I am going to be disappointed.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
1st base is asking someone if they believe in astrology. 2nd base is asking if they've ever seen a ghost. 3rd base is asking if they think aliens are real. Home base is blowing up the moon together.
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Roxi Horror Retweetade
me remaining open to the strange delights of being alivepic.twitter.com/JCWpB1Ddh6
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?] GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should've figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
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