FAVORITES
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[ultrasound] DOCTOR: oh my god! HER: what's wrong? DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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[freezing huddled around fire] Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
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[job interview] "So what are your biggest weaknesses?" Im not great at interviews "So far youre doing well" *unbuttoning pants* what's that?
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HER: I have something I want to tell u ME: me too HER: *smiles coyly* same time? ME: sure HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO- ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
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[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again
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[therapy] WIFE: he thinks he can read minds ME: try me *me & therapist both shout POTATO at same time* THERAPIST: (under breath) holy shit
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WIFE: this time I pick our new pet ME: why? WIFE: the last one u picked is weird HUMAN DRESSED UP LIKE A CAT: I told u she didnt like me
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DOCTOR: I'm afraid I have bad news PATIENT: *sobbing* what is it? DOCTOR: ur a punk ass bitch Todd
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GOOD COP: license & registration ME: may I ask why? OCTOPUS COP: [slowly unclips holsters of 8 separate guns] u think this is a fuckin game?
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy S: wha- SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me? S: *blushes* well not anymore
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ME: Franks coming by WIFE: Work Frank or Frank who thinks hes the Kool Aid man [loud thud on wall] FRANK: *outside bleeding from head* OH YA
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*in bed* HER: are you sure you've had sex before? ME: [sweating profusely, condoms on both my hands] what? why would you say that?
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature WIFE: yes ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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[on date] HER: I cant see u anymore ME (hiding under table): lol I know H: no I mean I cant see u anymore M (still under table): lol I know
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HER: is that a pickle in your pants or are u just happy to see me? ME: [unbuttons pants and 9 pickles fall out] actually it's 9 pickles
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Cop: You doin drugs? "No" Cop: Whatya smokin? "Pot" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS "Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"
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[on date] *check comes* ME: girl I got this *waiter returns minutes later* WAITER: sir, this is an expired gym membership ME: run it again
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[before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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