rob elliott

@rockymomax

little hand says it's time to rock n' roll | head wound | stand up |

Hollywood Beach, FL
Joined August 2015

FAVORITES

  1. 19 Jan 2016

    [ultrasound] DOCTOR: oh my god! HER: what's wrong? DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

  2. 30 Dec 2015

    [freezing huddled around fire] Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

  3. 21 Sep 2015

    [job interview] "So what are your biggest weaknesses?" Im not great at interviews "So far youre doing well" *unbuttoning pants* what's that?

  4. 28 Mar 2016

    HER: I have something I want to tell u ME: me too HER: *smiles coyly* same time? ME: sure HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO- ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

  5. 29 Mar 2016

    [wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again

  6. 9 Mar 2016

    [therapy] WIFE: he thinks he can read minds ME: try me *me & therapist both shout POTATO at same time* THERAPIST: (under breath) holy shit

  7. 24 Feb 2016

    WIFE: this time I pick our new pet ME: why? WIFE: the last one u picked is weird HUMAN DRESSED UP LIKE A CAT: I told u she didnt like me

  8. 28 Feb 2016

    DOCTOR: I'm afraid I have bad news PATIENT: *sobbing* what is it? DOCTOR: ur a punk ass bitch Todd

  9. 13 Mar 2016

    GOOD COP: license & registration ME: may I ask why? OCTOPUS COP: [slowly unclips holsters of 8 separate guns] u think this is a fuckin game?

  10. 15 Feb 2016

    SNAKE: im gonna bite you SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy S: wha- SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me? S: *blushes* well not anymore

  11. 26 Jan 2016

    ME: Franks coming by WIFE: Work Frank or Frank who thinks hes the Kool Aid man [loud thud on wall] FRANK: *outside bleeding from head* OH YA

  12. 31 Jan 2016

    *in bed* HER: are you sure you've had sex before? ME: [sweating profusely, condoms on both my hands] what? why would you say that?

  13. 2 Feb 2016

    ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature WIFE: yes ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

  14. 21 Feb 2016

    [on date] HER: I cant see u anymore ME (hiding under table): lol I know H: no I mean I cant see u anymore M (still under table): lol I know

  15. 12 Jan 2016

    HER: is that a pickle in your pants or are u just happy to see me? ME: [unbuttons pants and 9 pickles fall out] actually it's 9 pickles

  16. 25 Oct 2015

    Cop: You doin drugs? "No" Cop: Whatya smokin? "Pot" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS "Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"

  17. 20 Dec 2015

    [on date] *check comes* ME: girl I got this *waiter returns minutes later* WAITER: sir, this is an expired gym membership ME: run it again

  18. 12 Oct 2015

    [before sex] HER: did you bring protection? ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

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