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Being in the detrans women's community in the beginning was a chance to take part in creating a new subculture, which felt exciting and creative. I was drawing on my DIY punk background. Gave me a real sense of purpose and made me feel powerful.
Like obviously it hurt me in the long run but I sure as hell didn't feel like any kind of victim at the time. I felt more in control of my life, like I was building something new and important. And people listened to me like I had insightful things to say.
Just because I was self-hating didn't mean that I lacked agency. I found a way to use my self-denial/rejection to get my needs met. And I changed after what I was doing stopped working for me and I found better ways to get what I was looking for.
It's important to understand what people get from creating and joining those kinds of groups. Sure they play on people's vulnerabilities and suffering but they can also offer people status, a sense of power, belonging, purpose, even a way to express one's creativity.
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