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So when I detransitioned, I explained my past transition as false consciousness mixed up with dissociation. My satisfaction was bad because it was an individual solution instead of attacking the root social/political conditions that supposedly caused my dysphoria.
I saw myself as being the same as transmasculine people, dealing with the same dysphoria, but I was interpreting my condition differently, according to a radical feminist framework. I thought other trans people could do what I was doing by reinterpreting their experience.
I knew transitioning and living as a trans person could be satisfying, I'd known too many trans peole not to know this. But that was a problem because it supposedly made them complacent instead of engaging in sex class war.
There was also this sense in detrans and some lesbian spaces that transitioning was taking the easy way out while living as female took effort but was a show of resistance. Transitioning was giving into patriarchy but living as a butch woman was challenging it.
Rejecting being trans and living only as a butch woman took a lot of work for me. I could only really do it when I was motivated by rad fem ideology and once my faith in that started faltering my transmasculinity came back strong.
It takes no effort for me to be trans. It's what I end up being if I stop trying to be anything. So I have trouble relating to people who talk about it as chasing after some ideal they can never reach. That's what trying to live as a woman was like for me.
I wonder if some detrans people really were chasing after some fantasy of being a different gender or if they're talking about being trans as this impossible, unsatisfying thing in order to talk themselves out of being trans. Probably both are true depending on the person.
I can see how in the right circumstances a person could create an ideal self of a different gender and chase after that and how that would not work out well. I mean I basically did that when I detransitioned. But that's not the same as being trans.
It makes sense that some people who try transitioning or living as a trans person find that it dosen't work for them but the idea that it never works for anyone is ridiculous. It can be hard but trying not to be trans isn't worth it if that's what you are.
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