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The way some detrans people talk about what being trans is like strikes me as very odd now. Like how one can never "become the opposite sex", never find fulfillment, etc. It's also different from how I conceptualized being trans when I was detrans.
I experienced a significant degree of satisfaction from transitioning, including feeling more present in my body. Taking t made me less dysphoric. I wasn't trying to be male, just myself. And other people told me I seemed a lot more comfortable with myself, less anxious, etc.
So when I detransitioned, I explained my past transition as false consciousness mixed up with dissociation. My satisfaction was bad because it was an individual solution instead of attacking the root social/political conditions that supposedly caused my dysphoria.
I saw myself as being the same as transmasculine people, dealing with the same dysphoria, but I was interpreting my condition differently, according to a radical feminist framework. I thought other trans people could do what I was doing by reinterpreting their experience.
I knew transitioning and living as a trans person could be satisfying, I'd known too many trans peole not to know this. But that was a problem because it supposedly made them complacent instead of engaging in sex class war.
There was also this sense in detrans and some lesbian spaces that transitioning was taking the easy way out while living as female took effort but was a show of resistance. Transitioning was giving into patriarchy but living as a butch woman was challenging it.
Rejecting being trans and living only as a butch woman took a lot of work for me. I could only really do it when I was motivated by rad fem ideology and once my faith in that started faltering my transmasculinity came back strong.
It takes no effort for me to be trans. It's what I end up being if I stop trying to be anything. So I have trouble relating to people who talk about it as chasing after some ideal they can never reach. That's what trying to live as a woman was like for me.
I wonder if some detrans people really were chasing after some fantasy of being a different gender or if they're talking about being trans as this impossible, unsatisfying thing in order to talk themselves out of being trans. Probably both are true depending on the person.
I can see how in the right circumstances a person could create an ideal self of a different gender and chase after that and how that would not work out well. I mean I basically did that when I detransitioned. But that's not the same as being trans.
It makes sense that some people who try transitioning or living as a trans person find that it dosen't work for them but the idea that it never works for anyone is ridiculous. It can be hard but trying not to be trans isn't worth it if that's what you are.
I think the approach to prescribing HRT needs to be more liberal and focusses on what HRT can actually change, but we need proper check ups after you start HRT. One of the most obvious signs you've got it right or wrong come immediately after starting, before any permanent...
...changes occur. That euphoria and sense of feeling good is a key sign things are right. If you're feeling bad about it, you really need to ask if it's right for you. I have heard detrans people often say "I didn't like how the changes made me feel".
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