I used to blog and make videos under the name CrashChaosCats or Crash for short. I played a prominent role in the radical feminist detrans community. I helped bring it into existence and knew the main organizers of that scene.
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Simiarly, both ex-gay amd detrans people are often trauma survivors who've been convinced that trauma made them gay/trans, so they need to overcome that in order to heal. The ideology plays on the feeling of being broken that many survivors have.
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I used to always dismiss people when they compared being detrans to being ex-gay. What the hell were they talking about? I was a butch dyke! And then I came across the story of a gay conversion therapy survivor and it really resonated with me.
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He was a CSA survivor who'd been convinced that the abuse had made him gay. He had been acting out self-destructively and was desperate for relief. Hearing his story made me see how a survivor could be lead to link being hurt by trauma with being gay or trans.
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Something clicked inside of me when I heard this man's story and it scared the shit out of me. I was still deep in the detrans scene, dating another detrans rad fem. I told no one about what this story stirred up in me, not even my partner.
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I started reading more about conversion therapy and the ex-gay movement and I started seeing more and more parallels btwn them and detransition. Meanwhile, I was trying my hardest to live as a woman while no longer feeling like one. I wasn't ready to know what I was figuring out.
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It would be another few years before I got out and accepted what I'd been through. I had to disenage and spend time away from the detrans community to process what had happened.
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I don't think every detrans rad fem is a self-hating trans person but I think a lot of people in that community are trying to live up to certain ideals that may not be healthy for them. At the very least, they'll be pressured to frame their experiences in specific ways.
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Just being someone with a history of transition is going to complicate things for someone trying to join transphobic rad fem and lesbian communities. They may talk about their life in ways that align with rad fem theory in order to gain acceptance and support.
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I know that I probably would've had a hard time integrating into red fem lesbian communities if I hadn't framed my transition as a tragedy or talked about myself as a lesbian damaged by patriarchy.
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To rad fems who see all transition as harmful, a lesbian who got something positive out of taking t and/or getting top surgery is almost as much of a threat as a trans man. Such a lesbian would still be seen as promoting patriarcal, self-destructive behavior.
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The ideal is a lesbian who is wholly woman-identified and at peace with her female body. You can incorporate aspects of transmasculinity into being a woman/lesbian but only if you frame it negatively, as damage or contamination from patriarchy.
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It's more important to note how controlling and restrictive the rad fem detrans community is, how it privileges ideology over personal freedom and well-being, than to speculate on detrans women's identities. As I've said elsewhere, best not to impose on those people even more.
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Trans or detrans, such an environment is going to be toxic to anyone stuck in it. People need spaces where they can work through trauma, including how they've been hurt by patriarchy, and figure out who/what they are without being pressured to conform to any specific ideology.
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