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I apologize for exposing my penis to you ma’am
I apologize for exposing my penis to you ma’am, would you like a horse?
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a little peak behind the curtain: the guys over at shrimp fried rice tweet came over to me with "you tellin' me a breast made this milk?" and i said to them "thats good... but u know what's better?" the rest is history
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guess i'll just announce it: i've been collaborating with the shrimp fried rice guy on some tweets. this is just a taste of what we came up with. keep ur eyes peeled

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you tellin' me a baby made this formula?
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scene that is in she-hulk maybe: person (pointing at she-hulk): who is she? other person: she hulk
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[dming pornhub link to jordan peterson] hello doctor, quick question: is the woman in this video beautiful? i was thinking about masturbating to it, but worried the government might be fooling me into thinking she is sexy. please let me know asap, i am horny
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as a doctor i can confirm this happens very frequently. when it does happen, everyone is required to just ignore the baby (i.e. pretend like a baby did not accidentally come out). doctors at the clinic are trained to simply work around ithttps://twitter.com/Timcast/status/1526224390676938759 …
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mouse ate the cheese off a mousetrap then placed a pornographic photo on it so i will get my penis snapped in the trap. silly mouse. i can jack off to the photo from afar
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With crypto crashing, many apes will go without their slurp juice tonight. I have donated multiple slurp juices to a single ape. Will you match me?
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Please keep waiting. I am still thinkinghttps://twitter.com/D4hz4hn/status/1523579837738225665 …
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You do not go to someone’s house to protest. The house is where people conduct their most sacred business. What if Brett kavanaugh was jacking off? I guess liberals are ok with ruining a sitting Supreme Court justice’s JO session??? What happened to this country
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Yo mama is so fat she had to go to sea world to get baptized. But not today. Today, we respect yo mama. Today, yo mama did not go to sea world to get baptized. She went to a normal church, like everyone else
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You may think it is cool to hate on Marvel. “Haha this is so lame haha” But I bet you don’t have the balls to say that to Iron Man’s face. You would probably be cowering in fear. “No please Iron Man... I did not mean it…” He would spare you though. He is a good man
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Dave Chapelle was literally ATTACKED this week and all people can talk about is some obscure court case called [checks notes] Roe v wade??? NORMAL WORLD
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Am I crazy or are Madison Cawthron and his cousin MAD CUTE together

I am sooo shipping them 
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If you’ve ever leaked a scotus decision literally unfollow me NOW
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*someone knocks on bathroom door* Me (on toilet): OCCUPIED. *locked doorknob starts jiggling* Me: I AM POOPING. *doorknob jiggles way faster*
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Watch: Trevor noah goes LEFTISM MODE at White House Correspondents Dinner Trevor Noah (in video): hello everyone, i am so happy to be here at this super spreader event [audience "oooos"; shot of peter doocy not laughing]
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CUTTING
ONIONS
SHOULDN'T
MAKE
YOU
CRY
CUTTING
ONIONS
SHOULD
MAKE
YOU
CUM
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i am the opposite of pee shy. i am pee charismatic. i can piss in front of anyone anytime. i'll piss my pants in front of a total fucking stranger. i'll be at a party and i'll piss all over the goddamn place idgaf
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