Patrick Susmilch

here's my aziz ansari impression "So I'm at nobu the other day, and I realize I'm sitting next to BRUCE. WILLIS. BRUCE WILLIS! And I overhear him and this mf orders BUTTERED NOODLES. BUTTERED NOODLES! I'm like MANNNNN you were in Die Hard you can't be ordering BUTTERED NOODLES!"

I have been called a leftist, a socialist, and communist. Call me what you want, but we all deserve to live in a world where the Adobe Creative Suite is free.

After I forced myself into a cell w/ women&began speaking to them, one of them described their treatment at the hands of officers as “psychological warfare” - waking them at odd hours for no reason, calling them wh*res, etc. Tell me what about that is due to a “lack of funding?”

The Smithsonian called! They need the concert footage that you filmed on your cell phone last night! They lost everything they ever had of the band you saw and now you're the only documentation left! You were right to film the entire show! Goddamnit you were so right!

Lax Mantis was shitty to me when I met him at 9 and was shitty again to me on here when I was 29. I just know that if he ever pulled that “don’t you know who my dad is” shit on me my response would’ve been “Yes, he is why I, as a child actor, was protected by child labor laws”

this “the PC left simply *frustrates* people into becoming nazis” narrative leaves out an entire ecosystem of cheesebrained commentators whose livelihood is cherry-picking purported left outrages and screaming about them til their spittle alone slicks the slippery slope

Jesus fucking Christ, you losers, it's not that hard. Keep your fucking hands to yourselves, keep your fucking dick in your pants, and keep your fucking mouths shut about how we look. Be professional. Grow the fuck up. Damn, you're exhausting. Fuck. https://twitter.com/CNBC/status/1137303385152131072 …

black mirror 2016: examining the modern society with technologies of the near future that put you in moral dilemmas and even sometimes your worst nightmare black mirror 2019: uhhh is it gay if you could like fuck ur best bro in a video game?

Socialism vs. capitalism: Which provides the better quality of life? A by-the-numbers thread dealing strictly in facts, which I'm told don't care about your feelings.

Hi, therapist here. Bottomless mimosa brunch for a month: ~ $120 If an out of pocket client comes to me regularly, it's easily $400 - 500 a month. That $120 doesn't even cover intake. Even with insurance, some folks are out of more than $120. Stop this.https://twitter.com/TendentiousG/status/1136287902403629056 …

if you're feeling down on your luck when it comes to dating, just remember Jerry Seinfeld didn't get a high school girlfriend until he was 35

Please just take a break from making new TV shows for, like, a year. Give us all time to catch up. I'm so fucking tired and I can't remember the last time I saw my family.

clop clop motherfuckers it is time for the midnight ride of my insecurities

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket & throw it in the crowd to see who next

Really sad and angry about this. I have considered @AcmeComedyCo a home.https://twitter.com/StarTribune/status/1124735488651333633 …