I don't think you're unqualified for all, but it's also a pretty bad list. Floor level employment is "retail, food service, clerical work, and factories" not "take one of the many oil rig or foreign language instructor positions being offered to everyone".
Mostly I wanted to gently raise the possibility of camming, but you wouldn't be comfortable with that and it would be a waste of your obvious skills in writing, illustrating, and tech.