It's Sunday night and that's the time that we do what, Twitter people? If the answer is "have some booze and think about how the senior officers of the US Army on the northern border were complete imbeciles in 1812," you're absolutely correct Look, i am who I am, ok
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Population-wise, it ain't even a contest. US wins. Hell, most of the Canadians are like "ugh just get on with it and get it over with so we can move on with our lives"pic.twitter.com/TEiSLCT6F6
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So, you might be saying, man, the US has this thing wrapped up. Britain is too busy with Napoleon Shortaparte to send much help to Canada, we outnumber them, this should be.... A mere matter of marching?pic.twitter.com/z2gNAp6ACd
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Enter: Henry "there's a Federalist under my chair" Dearborn, US Army, commanding Now Hank, he goes wayyyy back. Ol boy was at Bunker Hill but That was a loooong time ago Since then, he's intrigued to try to start a war with Spain & worked to remove most Federalists from Armypic.twitter.com/OgMJq91WXY
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War kicks off - Congress is like "UNLEASH YHE KRAKEN INTO CANADA" only there's no kraken because the US Army is miniscule & underfunded. Madison is like "THE MILITIA" but didn't bother to check the state constitutions that said "no, militia can't play over international borders"pic.twitter.com/kNZHevWVmF
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Madison is all, "Hank Dearborn, go DO SOMETHING" but Dearborn is just hanging out in Boston for... A while. Like queen liz with Jesuits, Dearborn worried there was a Federalist behind every tree, undermining him. Sliiightly paranoid, this guy.pic.twitter.com/BgGxuivNSw
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As commander of the Northeast, Dearborn had SO MUCH TO DO Basically, the sitch was the same as tje French and Indian War with the Brits in the place of the French and the US in place of the Brits. There were 3 key points: Detroit, Niagara, and Lake Champlain corridorpic.twitter.com/LCvAD9jxeV
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Now, Detroit. You've got General William Hull, who's another veteran of the RevWar aka OLD. He's the first governor of the Michigan territory. Bill Hull takes a force of 1200 milita & regulars out to Detroit, from southwestern Ohio Now this is where Hull makes a major boo boopic.twitter.com/bYi8vkWoGi
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He doesn't get the memo that there's a war on because he starts his movement in May, when there's still peace. So he sends all his private baggage, including his campaign plans, on a schooner up the river to Detroit. The Brits, who are aware there's a war on, capture it Oopspic.twitter.com/g4nlGpHSDk
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Hull gets to Detroit & has a force of about 2800 men. So, y'know, he invades Canada in July & issues the inhabitants of Windsor Ontario a nice proclamation to the effect that they're all free, or whatever So the D-Rs are like wooooot, we winnin this thing alreadypic.twitter.com/v9JGay6wKN
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The Brits had two things going for them: Major General Sir Isaac "oh fuckit, let's attack" Brock, and a sturdy alliance with First Nations people Have I mentioned how terrified US people were of the First Nations/Native Americans? You bout to find outpic.twitter.com/mFcRiiy8wb
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Brock shows up with like 1200 regulars, militia, and Shawnee, ambushes ONE US patrol, And Hull scuttles back to Detroit & locks himself up. Brock comes knocking & is like "uh, so if you surrender now, I can guarantee your safety from the Indians" and Hull is like never Jk. Hullpic.twitter.com/KyzH3QA4G3
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Within TWO MONTHS of declaring war suddenly the US has lost upper Michigan as well as a big portion of its force and damn, we didn't have much to play with But, hey, that's Michigan. No one cares about them. What's goin on in upstate NY?pic.twitter.com/SUlvxRMLHE
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Well, up on the Niagara, you got.. aw shit, I can't spell this drunk. Stephan van Rens. Ren. Kylo. Rensselaer, that's the chap. And he is PEAK FEDERALIST. Like, no shit, one of ten wealthiest people in the US. Ever. By the time Of his death, he's worth 101 billion in our moneypic.twitter.com/ybZxGhFJmQ
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Madison offers Steve command of army on the Niagara but it's a trick! If he refuses, his political career is more toasted than I am right now He accepts it. And now Madison is like fffuuuuuuu cause there's a dude in command who's now spending half his time hobnobbing w Brit Ospic.twitter.com/mu9uRmuv1n
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In their camp up on the river, the Army is composed of militia who are mainly D-Rs and they wanna rumbllllllle But Steve is all about that "hanging around with Brit officers life" and not about invading Canadapic.twitter.com/JGawftPh0E
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Making matters WORSE Is regular brigadier Alexander Smyth who's subordinate to van... Van.. that Ren guy Smyth does NOT like to be subordinate to a Federalsit and a militiaman and so just makes fun of Ren the whole time & doesn't support himpic.twitter.com/NUyF4cWOMj
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To make it WEIRDER D-R politician turned general Ben Porter moves in around Buffalo to start his OWN army, one that is devoted to the MANLINESS of the US cause, full of D-R militia who spend a lotta time raising Federalist houses and hotels cause that's how the war works, right?pic.twitter.com/GTi0rvgIpn
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Now in Oct, Van Kylo Ren realizes he's gotta do SOMETHING and makes plans to cross the river and attack. Smyth decides not to support because fuck that dude. So they go across the river and at first things go well. Till Van Rens takes five bullets and the attack stallspic.twitter.com/D70mn3TLA4
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Some militia decide that they ain't gonna play and don't cross the river, so Brock attacks cause it's what he does but then he gets killed but it's still enough to push the US forces back across the river even though LTC Winfield Scott is all "IM TRYING, OK"pic.twitter.com/8SnWlqxKrE
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So the Battle of Queenston is uhhhh basically a nada. Smyth is now in command and he spends most of his time arguing with Porter up the river Not just arguing Duelling As a historian says, "Unfortunately, they both missed"pic.twitter.com/oE4rLRf4s5
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Ok, so that's two routes shut down. How bout that third one. Ya know, the one aimed up that big ass river? The St Lawrence. That one. Weeeelllllllllll there's a problem there. David Parish lives right in that area. And he don't want trouble. Why should anyone care?pic.twitter.com/iFAKPzger7
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Wellll, dudebro has underwritten some big ass loans to the US government which is flat broke, btw, and needs the money to keep fighting a really unpopular war Sooooooo despite one short attempt in 1813, no one goes the way that guaranteed success in that war...the 7 years onepic.twitter.com/f9t0K90LSC
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So, uh, to recap year one, the US loses northern Michigan and then collapses slowly around Niagara and doesn't even bother to go up the actual successful way British commanders are likepic.twitter.com/yu2riQamP9
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So, uh, that's year one of this while shebang Porter also tries to cross the river but, uh, kinda totally fails It only SLIGHTLY gets better over the next few years Barely I mean, if it isn't for the Navy...we kinda screwedpic.twitter.com/4Pphz2wJ3y
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But the key takeaway here is, like DON'T MAKE A WAR THAT HALF THE COUNTRY DOESN'T WANT and y'know, don't invade Canadapic.twitter.com/YyIfu3nxOG
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Reading this in the cold light of day, I realized something dreadful I forgot the worst one of them all The man Anthony Wayne called "the worst of bad men" Who historian Alan Taylor calls America's first great actor The one, the only, James Wilkinson
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Wilkinson is... Well, there a really isn't a con man who could approach Jimmy Wilkinson. Like, ever. He shammed, bamboozled, and blustered his way into influential post after influential post - only to get fired and forced to resign But he always landed on his feet
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Wilkinson attached himself to influential generals during the Revolution, serving as their aides. Finally, even the egotistical Gates tired of him, forcing him to resign in 1779 But the Continental Congress thought he was a good dude & made him in charge of clothing the Army
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Early in 1781, Congress FINALLY cottoned on that money was going missing and the clothing for the Army was substandard, so Wilkinson got fired So he headed to Kentucky, where he made money on plantations He heads to Spanish New Orleans in 1787 & enters in the pay of Spain
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Yeah, you heard me Wilkinson is now a double agent In 1791, he gets reinstated in the Army. He soon rises from LTC to brigadier general. Subordinate to Anthony Wayne, who HATES him Wilkinson tries to smear Wayne, calling him crazy, hence "Mad" Anthony Wayne
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