Gleb Posobin

Another day passes. Phone reports 7 hours of usage. Wasting so much time, feeling sad, yet doing that again and again. Don't know why I am convinced that “I can do it, the only problem is that I just don't want to”.

Decided to get into clojure two weeks ago, that was going well for 4 days, haven't touched it in 10 days now. Reading a chapter or two from a new book, not able to go further, jumping to the next one. Being around motivated people just makes me more depressed.

I certainly made the right call with not going to our group's phd weekend upstate retreat a month ago, would have felt absolutely crushed, most students are so interested. Sitting in the talks, thinking “why do I care about all that?”, that wasn't the case one year ago.

Can't think of a thing I don't feel this way about now. Thank god assignments for my courses are trivial, how much worse would I be feeling if I had to spend an hour thinking on a homework problem, the level of self-doubt that would induce...

Right, psychiatrist. Went to one two weeks ago, turned out she does psychoanalysis. Took me a month and a half from the call to Columbia psychological services to that meeting. I know what I need to do, but how do I do a thing without a deadline?

Will probably delete the thread later. Don't worry, I am not having any suicidal thoughts or anything like that! For some reason much easier to post this here than tell friends in person.