Eternal Samnation

@portmanteauface

We found love in a hopeless place. Here. It was here

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Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2019.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    Parents need to get better at teaching their kids that swear words aren’t actually bad they’re just only appropriate in certain contexts, this 9yo girl at the grocery store just held up a bag of cauliflower rice and said “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS” and she deserves a fucking Oscar

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    Do you know how many babies are gonna be born 9 months from yesterday?

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 2 minute

    me: I'm super excited to be here in the land down under the devil: *exasperated sigh* stop calling it that

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    Aye playboy the color-blocking on your button down shirt really accentuates your hips

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 9 minuta

    all you need to know about america is that we took every stereotype of australia, turned it into a themed restaurant...and then opened several of them in australia

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    *hearing the doorbell* Hubs: what’s that? Me (seeing 60 year old neighbour at the door): oh, a boomer rang

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    One syphilis tweet a day from now on. Sorry people who don't like reading about syphilis, but I am who I am.

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    Once you realize you can be a tramp without ever getting a tramp stamp, the second half of your life begins.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 3 sata

    You're not even a little bit curious about who on that list blocked you? You know there's at least one

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    Chauncey, fetch me my umbrella sword. Looks like rain.

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Barry: .. Phil: .. Barry: I thought you said you were a power bottom Phil: nah mate, I said I'm from down under

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    [at the pet store] me: what's going on with the guppies in this tank? they all have red eyes and reek of patchouli employee [sighs]: yeah, those ones are going through a phish phase right now

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    I'm only this stupid because somebody once fucked my brains out.

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    superbowl? superMOLE amirite? seriously tho you should get that checked

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    my wife: our daughter's using drugs go talk to her about it (later) me: mom wants to know if we can borrow your drugs

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    When my son was born prematurely I slept at the maternity ward for nearly a month. The wife took the boy home within 24 hours, but I needed some "me" time.

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    me: [driving up] wanna go kangaroo hunting? friend: sure, I'll hop in. me: [pumping shotgun] wtf did you just say?

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Phil: are.. are you.. the Wizard of Oz? Bartender: nah mate Phil: but I followed the yellow brick road Bartender: ..that's where you peed on the dingo

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 26 minuta

    I saw a woman running into the liquor store, and now I’m super sad I never knew I had a twin sister.

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 38 minuta
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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Good luck finding stable ground when you're so entirely out of balance.

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