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polotek's profile
Marco Rogers
Marco Rogers
Marco Rogers
@polotek

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Marco Rogers

@polotek

Web developer, movie buff, and pretty much the best guy you know. Married to @operaqueenie.

San Francisco, CA
buzzfeed.com/doree/this-san…
Joined February 2009

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    Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

    Here's something I've been studying on here for a bit. A lot of men, seem to have been conditioned to think that telling someone that you disagree is the same as asking them a question. Like the way they learn to engage is by *creating a conflict*.

    10:46 AM - 22 May 2019
    • 5,164 Retweets
    • 18,656 Likes
    • FEHRANNA Nick Punt 🏕️ Phil Filippak ago ؜ Madelein van der Stouwe ᴋaʀɪssa • ᴛеслюк пішко Ian Cairncross Jonathon G Storms
    212 replies 5,164 retweets 18,656 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        I don't think this is a small thing. In fact, I think it is the source of a lot of the unintentional frustration that men cause on here. (I'm only talking about those who actually "mean well".)

        8 replies 173 retweets 2,787 likes
        Show this thread
      3. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        I have had this exchange numerous times. It goes something like this. Them: I disagree. | I've had a different experience. Me: I don't care. | What's your point? Them: Geez, I was just trying to learn. Why are you attacking me?!

        19 replies 333 retweets 3,236 likes
        Show this thread
      4. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        It has been helpful for me to see this as unintentional conditioning separate from intent. At least for some men (including myself). Ever since this occurred to me, I've noticed how even when men intend to ask "sincere" questions, it often comes in the form of a challenge.

        12 replies 306 retweets 3,436 likes
        Show this thread
      5. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        This has a bunch of negative effects. It's easily misunderstood as a bad faith challenge rather than an attempt to engage. There are a lot of bad faith challenges out there and they sound exactly the same. In fact those bad actors always hide behind "good intent".

        7 replies 209 retweets 2,938 likes
        Show this thread
      6. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Engaging in the form of a challenge also puts all of the burden on the receiver to unpack what you mean to ask and what kind of response would be appropriate. You are implicitly asking for a tremendous amount of grace when you ask someone to navigate this unexpectedly.

        12 replies 395 retweets 3,646 likes
        Show this thread
      7. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        I wanna be clear that even though we can give the benefit of the doubt in seeing this as a an unintentional learned behavior, that doesn't the people who do this are off the hook. We still need to do better. We can learn to do better.

        10 replies 135 retweets 2,197 likes
        Show this thread
      8. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Marco Rogers Retweeted Wes

        I'm glad this thread is resonating with so many people. I wanna spend a little time on this question, which I've gotten a number of times today. Essentially what's "the right way" to disagree? Be warned that a lot of this is gonna feel unsatisfying.https://twitter.com/wakers01/status/1131365278405812226?s=19 …

        Marco Rogers added,

        Wes @WesleyWaffles
        Replying to @polotek
        How do you disagree with somebody when you legit “don’t agree?” Do you think it’s as simple as, “I disagree because [rationale]?” I guess I’m asking if you think disagreeing with an actual argument is sufficient to make it good faith? Seems like it, but what’s your experience?
        6 replies 144 retweets 1,462 likes
        Show this thread
      9. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        The first question a lot of us need to ask is "why does this person need to hear that I disagree?" Twitter is still largely a uni-directional medium. People post a tweet because they want to express themselves. Not because they're asking each individual if they agree or disagree.

        40 replies 1,470 retweets 6,340 likes
        Show this thread
      10. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        I've talked about this a lot in the past. This is hard because there's this subculture of men that have decided Twitter is some kinda Thunderdome of ideas and direct debate. "Why post something if you didn't want a response?" PLEASE stop doing this.

        27 replies 742 retweets 4,414 likes
        Show this thread
      11. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Instead, ask yourself what it is that you actually want out of this exchange. Start by framing the conversation you want to have. Do you want them to help you understand their comments? Try saying that first. "I'm not sure I understand, would you be willing to expand on this?"

        9 replies 253 retweets 2,492 likes
        Show this thread
      12. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Taking the time to set context and frame conversations before diving in is a huge part of effective communication. More so, it gives the other person the opportunity to reframe the conversation or tell you they're not interested.

        5 replies 154 retweets 1,919 likes
        Show this thread
      13. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        You can skip a lot of this setup in settings where there is already a lot of situational context. If you're at a dinner party, active engagement is expected. If you're hanging with friends, you can get away with being a little more gruff because they'll understand.

        1 reply 58 retweets 1,388 likes
        Show this thread
      14. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        But if there's one thing to take away from this, it's accepting that the internet is not your living room. You're talking to people who don't know you and didn't ask for your opinion. So it helps to approach engagement as you *inviting* them to a conversation. They may decline.

        11 replies 589 retweets 3,311 likes
        Show this thread
      15. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Notice that all of this happens before you get to the part where you talk about what you wanna talk about. If more people did just a little more setup, many exchanges on the internet would go better.

        2 replies 69 retweets 1,572 likes
        Show this thread
      16. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        So let's say you still want to engage and they seem up for it. You still want to remember that "I disagree" is not a conversation. It's a challenge. If that's what you mean to do, you can choose to soften it so they can decide if you're being a jerk or not.

        2 replies 116 retweets 1,495 likes
        Show this thread
      17. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Here's an example. "I hope it's okay if I push back on this a little. I'm not sure if it makes sense because of X. Am I misunderstanding something?" Most of the language here is about giving people the opportunity to tell you that you're missing part of the story.

        15 replies 152 retweets 1,989 likes
        Show this thread
      18. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        Cause that's really key. We know Twitter is not good for expressing the full context of people's thoughts. We KNOW this. So why not go in assuming that's true and leaving the conversation open for them to tell you more about what they meant?

        1 reply 118 retweets 1,744 likes
        Show this thread
      19. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        When you start off with "I disagree. Here's my perspective", it has the exact opposite effect. People are likely to be more closed and defensive. But also, you've taken over the conversation and challenged THEM to talk about YOUR opinion. That's rude and presumptuous.

        15 replies 280 retweets 2,394 likes
        Show this thread
      20. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        There's a lot more here, but I wanna drive this one point home. If you've done all of this thinking and you realize your only goal is to tell other people your opinions because you disagree, you could also choose to just not do that. Just sit with that feeling and move on.

        13 replies 256 retweets 2,449 likes
        Show this thread
      21. Marco Rogers‏ @polotek 22 May 2019

        If your goal is actually to gain some new perspective, you would do way better by asking questions and listening to the answers. Creating conflict is not a great environment for learning. In fact it's not a great environment for listening at all.

        56 replies 411 retweets 2,953 likes
        Show this thread
      22. End of conversation

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