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  1. 16 Apr 2013

    If there was a black character in Clue, the game would be called Solved.

  2. 5 Apr 2013

    "You're not the Bruce Springsteen of me!" - Angry employee from New Jersey

  3. 28 Mar 2013

    Horses are vegans, too, yet you don't hear them yapping on and on about it do you?

  4. 5 Mar 2013

    Some people are about as useful as the "r" in February.

  5. 25 Feb 2013

    My two year old nephew, though adorable, is a pretty violent drunk.

  6. 23 Feb 2013

    It's wisest to pick the side of the person who knows the most shit about you

  7. 18 Feb 2013

    If this evening got any more bland and disappointing it would be a menu item at Applebee's.

  8. 9 Jan 2013

    i made the starbucks guy say large instead of venti I HAVE ALREADY CONQUERED WEDNESDAY WHAT NOW

  9. 5 Jan 2013

    Sharks could be very gentle lovers. We don’t know.

  10. 28 Aug 2012

    The Bible wouldn't sound so preachy if every commandment was followed by the word "dude."

  11. 27 Aug 2012
  12. 24 Jun 2009

    checking out twitter for the first time

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