Carl Pettit

@PettitCarl

Writer and musician in 🇺🇸 🇵🇹

pettitportfolio.com
Joined March 2012
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  1. Retweeted
    13 May 2019

    My favorite type of bath is a lagoon, but I also enjoy hot springs. Sometimes they are the same thing! But not always. Water can be tricky! Anyways, good morning.

    1 reply 6 retweets 25 likes
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  2. 24 Jul 2018

    gerbil baker (noun) 1 a gerbil that bakes breads and cakes professionally. 2 a baker that bakes gerbils.

    3 likes
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  3. 13 Mar 2018

    Evolution has a wicked sense of humor.

    1 retweet 3 likes
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  4. 13 Feb 2017

    Robots fighting with Katana swords. My mechanized ninja fantasies are finally coming to life.

    3 retweets 9 likes
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  5. Retweeted
    11 Jan 2017

    Here are 8 destinations where used to (and might still) exist:

    5 retweets 7 likes
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  6. 6 Dec 2016

    So, we’ll have to keep our new president out of direct sunlight, can’t feed him after midnight, or ever get him wet!

    1 reply 3 retweets 8 likes
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  7. 2 Nov 2015

    I’d like an app that combines the day’s domestic, international and sports news into a single, psychotropic brownie. Where can I get that?

    1 retweet 2 likes
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  8. 26 Jun 2015

    Have I mentioned toilet snakes before? Slithering round the bowl, fangs sinking into dangling appendages? If not, don't worry about it.

    1 retweet 3 likes
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  9. 14 Apr 2015

    A day and a billion years are the same to a dead man. So really, stop worrying about your stupid legacy.

    9 likes
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  10. 26 Feb 2014

    I might have been put on this Earth for the sole purpose of creating more belly button lint.

    3 retweets 11 likes
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  11. 21 Feb 2014

    Knock on every door in your building and ask about a python. Then walk away, mumbling, “Don’t worry. He’ll turn up eventually.”

    1 retweet 9 likes
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  12. 8 Nov 2013

    Morgan Freeman has been old and wise all of his life.

    1 reply 2 retweets 19 likes
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  13. 30 Oct 2013

    God wanted to end the war in Syria, but a Little Rock football team prayed hard for victory this week, so he’s doing that instead.

    3 retweets 14 likes
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  14. 22 Oct 2013

    Don’t buy vitamin water. Just drink water and eat vitamins. Way cheaper.

    1 reply 7 retweets 13 likes
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  15. 21 Oct 2013

    When your son asks you why the sky is blue, tell him “Smurf paint.” If he asks you where Smurf paint comes from, answer “Dead Smurfs.”

    1 reply 2 retweets 15 likes
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  16. 14 Oct 2013

    Never take candy from strangers, except on Halloween, when you’re perfectly safe because everyone is wearing a disguise.

    3 replies 25 retweets 54 likes
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  17. 11 Oct 2013

    I love riding on escalators. They’re like really slow-moving rollercoasters, but free.

    2 replies 11 retweets 32 likes
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  18. 8 Oct 2013

    “Smurfette is a tease. She left me with blue balls.” “Your balls were already blue.” “Oh, yeah.”

    3 retweets 14 likes
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  19. 7 Oct 2013

    Tim Burton Production Meeting: “Let’s make another film with Johnny Depp. I really miss that guy."

    3 replies 9 retweets 35 likes
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  20. 23 Sep 2013

    Why so many guns, America? Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned fistfight?

    1 retweet 5 likes
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