I hearted your message. Then you hearted my heart, which I liked. Then you liked my like, so I thumbs up’d your like. And then you just fucking ghost my thumbs!? What is your problem? #meaningfulrelattionships
Pinned Tweet
Follow
Click to Follow petejohansson
pete johansson
@petejohansson
#Comedian on sabbatical while edumacating brain. Social Media not so much of late. 4th/ final year of degree @ #UofT #AI #cognitive #psychology
pete johansson’s Tweets
Tuesdays feel like a return to the baseline reality between the ridiculous extremes Monday and the Weekend have on life.
1
Im🍑
Clarence
Thomas!
Mean Girls in Ottawa 👧👯♀️😉
Quote Tweet
Excellent crowd in Ottawa tonight. Thanks for coming if you did. My ace support was @SallyAnneComedy (podcast @louandsally).
Mugs: @livespiffy
Well Done Flowers: @iamacrylic
And my podcast is @StandardIssueUK. Onwards to Edmonton but first a couple of days off.
read image description
ALT
1
3
New: Attorney General Merrick Garland, DAG Monaco, FBI Director Wray and NatSec AAG Olsen will host a press conference at 1:30p ET discussing alleged criminal activity by a nation-state actor in the US
1,033
6,969
26.3K
My wife sets 4 alarms to wake up. She only needs one and should be able to peacefully wake from the warm glowing anger of me staring at her in the darkness while trying to fall back asleep.
5
#ElectionDay day should start with every single source of entertainment suspended. No TV, movies, radio, concerts, sports, online games, YouTube etc. Just a pie chart saying nothing starts again until 75% of people vote. Like the purge except democracy instead of violence.
1
It's interesting how much the 538 Deluxe forecast assumes Republicans will in fact outperform their current polling averages, by ~2 points in the average competitive Senate race and ~3 points in the House popular vote.
96
72
579
Show this thread
🚨Our new paper in JEP: General!🚨
How much do you like intelligence? What about confidence?
You prob have an answer, an idea about your liking (or lack thereof) for these attributes.
But where do ideas like this…COME from? And what do they PREDICT? 🧵
psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi
read image description
ALT
1
19
45
Show this thread
It’s weird that Russians are so anti-gay. They invented the concept of a woman inside a woman inside a woman inside a woman inside a woman.
78
2,151
15.7K
If anyone out there is interested, here's the "cheat sheet" that I've been using in all of my classes to teach students how to read academic articles without reading every word. This was given to me in grad school, and I've been using it with grad/undergrads ever since.
208
3,050
17.9K
“Watson come here!”
Didn’t need to be a phone call.
Bell shoulda texted Watson that kinda nonsense.
3
Looking for a fun night out this weekend? Come through to on Saturday night at 7pm.
Best Of is a stand up comedy show featuring some of Canadas Top comedians who performed at Just For Laughs, Netflix, Comedy Central, CBC Debators and more
comedybar.ca/shows/the-best
1
6
This is how my dog fell asleep last night. She is a little obsessed with her bacon flavoured ball.
6
#studentloanforgiveness mimics a psyche test used to map brain networks used to perceive fair and unfair in decision making. The Ultimatum test shows people will reject/angered by free money if the person giving it retains substantially more. Should’ve run it by a psychologist!
3
‘It’s like twitter, but with only two people!’ -me pitching friendship
1
9
Astrophysicist’s, would you Smash or Pass…
Andromeda & The Milky Way?
#dirty #cosmos #galaxiescollide
2
If this world seems like it’s been a bit off for more than a few years now, it can be traced back to the fact we no longer have an Alan Rickman in it.
1
8
Hey people liking this tweet
if you enjoy this please follow me so comedy clubs will book me and the entertainment industry will respect me?
4
3
59
Show this thread
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
39
609
9,489
Show this thread
How can the #Pope be elected god’s representative on earth if he doesn’t even have the tiniest bit of magical power? Heal a sick bird, reverse shrinkflation, erase traumatic memories of systematic abuse…
Reciting a staff written apology doesn’t feel like a deity is in the loop
3
Elections should only be scheduled in the middle of summer. That might make the #ClimateCrisis a lot harder to ignore in the coming years.
3
Hello Per! (My grandfather’s name was also Per). The short answer is no. Not immediately. However, I am putting together a podcast series on the concept and application of what it means to be smart. Hopefully it’ll be entertaining if not hilarious:) new comedy album next year!
Quote Tweet
@petejohansson any new shows upcoming? Been listening to your album on Spotify too many times now 
4
227
23.9K
136.7K
Air conditioning and ventilation are not “luxuries” for incarcerated people. Imagine being confined in a closet that’s built from baking hot concrete and doesn’t have any working windows or vents, all while the heat index in the room rises as high as 150 degrees. That’s torture.
112
2,334
9,772
GIF
read image description
ALT
Quote Tweet
Sure loving my extensive @plex server hosted media collection and local home network today. #rogersoutage
2
4
16
1
4
5
Right everyone, ill parents means I sadly have to miss Edinburgh this year but so as not to waste my show, I’ve just put two nights in at the lovely at the start of August. Please come sohotheatre.com/shows/carl-don (and tell your friends)
19
91
152
Rogers has another three hours before we realize everything was better before the internet
1
6
47
Yay, limited internet for Canada today! Go outside! Call a friend on the phone! Or make a new friend in person! Listen to a full conversation! Jerk off to your partner! It’s the 90’s again, put on some Nirvana, feel the angst…
3
1
3
Stem cell.
When I grow up I wanna be a neuron or a red blood cell, or a smooth muscle cell!
It can’t decide, so keeps reproducing indecisive offspring.
It becomes cancer.
The moral? Know what you want before you get to the front of the line at Starbucks or we’ll all die.
4
As someone who freaking loved ‘All the presidents Lawyers’ this is welcome news to hear the team is back :)
Nick was a truly beautiful soul and no one could say it better than Ben. Miss you Nick.
Quote Tweet
benstager.substack.com/p/nick?sd=pf
3
24
FRIDAY NIGHT PLANS
Extended OUTGASSING... 💨💨💨
And ❄ CHILL ❄
(About minus 70°C to be PRECISE)
2
3
26
I can’t eat breakfast or lunch as it immediately makes me fall asleep. I eat once a day at home so I can sleep after. Been like this all my adult life. Non stop unsolicited advice that it’s unhealthy and wrong. Now, it’s called intermittent fasting and will extend my life.
2
7
Happy my pets and I hate fireworks, but it’s not about us so I accept others must like sparkly light’s exploding, even though it makes me think your dumb, day!
3
I bet the last thing the #SupremeCourt court does this season is pin America down and slowly let a huge loogie drip into its face.
2
2