𝐏𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲

@pearlylondon

My mum always insists she doesn't have a 'favourite' child. Which is pretty upsetting because i haven't got any brothers or sisters.

Bedlam Asylum.
Vrijeme pridruživanja: srpanj 2016.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    My mum (who had a masectomy last year) just told her local Conservative candidate that there was more chance of her tit growing back than there was of her ever voting for a Tory. I love my mum.

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

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  3. Fact: Nothing lasts longer than a story someone is telling you that you have absolutely no interest in at all.

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  4. If you happen to see me out for a walk with some twat in corduroy trousers, it's because I pretended to my neighbour I was going out for a fictional walk as part of a new health regime to avoid inviting him in & he said 'ohhh that's a good idea, I'll come with you.' Fuming.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. velj

    Shout out to all our fellow hard working UK manufacturers.

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  6. 3. velj

    Gin & Tonic flavoured yogurt. Presumably for getting mullered?

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  7. 3. velj

    Some things are best left unsaid. Not 'Boris Johnson is an utter twat' though. That needs to be said. A lot.

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    WORST. REMAKE. EVER

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  9. 2. velj

    Me and the husband have just had a heated discussion about the best way to arrange the cutlery drawer if you were wondering how fun marriage is.

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    The battery has just gone in my bathroom scales, and now I don’t want to replace it in case the steady improvements in recent weeks was merely because it didn’t have the energy to tell me what I really weighed.

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  11. 1. velj

    In the hairdressers. She's emotional because 'Josh' has been texting other girls behind her back. I'm emotional because she's chopping away at my barnet like she's imagining it's his cock. Whoo-there Shanice for fucks sake.

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    Proud boy finding best stick

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    Signed a card at work for a colleague who’s recovering from appendicitis. Nothing unusual about that. Yet I was off for 3 months with mental health, which I’m still struggling with, and I barely even got a text. Just makes you realise the gulf between physical & mental health.

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    Whenever I see someone on one of these, I like to imagine they started out with a much larger vehicle and their journey has been riddled with mishaps.

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  15. 31. sij

    Mum just told me she doesn't want a Chinese takeaway tonight 'because of that bug' I despair, I really do.

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  16. 30. sij

    'Twas the night before Brexit, And all through the land, The gammons were cheering, Anything ‘foreign’ was banned. Farage was there preening, The EU he did goad, When he flashed his union jack socks, Jacob Rees-Mogg shot his load.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    7. stu 2019.

    Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake. 😳😂

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  18. 29. sij

    Booked my table for Valentine's day...

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  19. 28. sij

    Mrs Brown's Boys just beat afterlife and fleabag to win best comedy at the if you are still wondering how Brexit came to pass.

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  20. 28. sij

    Have you been injured in the last 6 months? Been involved in a car accident? Fell over at work? Tripped on an uneven pavement? If the answer is yes to any of the above, then sort yourself out you clumsy bastard!

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  21. 28. sij

    Just accidentally 'faved' my own tweet. So now I'm off to wink at my reflection in the mirror & send myself a Valentine's day card.

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