You know what's really great? We told Betty White that we loved her while she was still alive.
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Paula Poundstone
@paulapoundstone
New tour dates. Podcast NOBODY LISTENS TO PAULA POUNDSTONE New albums CATS, COPS AND STUFF, PAULA POUNDSTONE GOES TO COLLEGE streaming worldwide.
Paula Poundstone’s Tweets
I heard a frustrated Democrat on the radio say, "We voted in 2020." That's like saying, "I fed the baby yesterday."
I'm sorry that Diamond died, but I'm even sorrier that she spread anti-vax propaganda. Who knows how many people she killed with that message?
I hate it when people talk about "real America" referring to non-urban areas in the midwest. We're all equally real, and by the way, cities have more of us.
We can right this ship, but at this moment in time, voting Democrat is the ONLY way to do it. And, people who don't like to vote? Do it anyway. We need you.
I'm really enjoying not having COVID. I'm vaxxed, boosted, I try to keep my distance from people, and a wear a KN95 mask. It's quite pleasant, really.
Nikki, it's possible that when you were growing up, like me, you just weren't aware of much of what was going on in the country. It's important that, as adults, we try to inform ourselves, instead of trying to recreate our own ignorance.
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Do you remember when you were growing up, do you remember how simple life was, how easy it felt? It was about faith, family, and country. We can have that again, but to do that, we must vote Joe Biden out. #RTM2023
Dear , Thanks for the 32% drop in households reporting they didn't have enough food. Keep going, Sir.
Oh, my god, I was just in a public restroom, and Pete Buttigieg and his husband came in with bicycles, and electric cars. #weird.
Dear Christians in America,
Your views count, just not more than anyone else's. That's important. Remember why people left England to begin with. It wasn't cause they didn't like The Beatles.
Excuse me, Sir, where is the Earthen Vessels’ restroom?
Dear Marjorie Taylor Greene,
If your husband has evidence of voter fraud, it should have been in the hands of the courts 2 years ago. It wasn't, because he doesn't.
Retweet if you are comfortable with Donald Trump going to jail, if that’s what a jury finds?
There are absolutely NO good reasons to not want everyone to vote.
Dear , Thanks for the low unemployment rate. I know there's tons of problems to work on, but you've really helped with unemployment. Keep going, Sir.
Mask up, and keep your distance. The saddest deaths in war are on the day before the peace.
I find that, just before I go for a walk, I can pour a bunch of Fritos into my mask, and just chomp away while I'm walking. Some fall out, but it doesn't matter, I'm outside.
You know what I can't figure out? Why is it that 70 % of us, who believe in a woman's right to choose, are at the mercy of a Supreme Court most of whose members lied about the issue before the Senate Judiciary.
See, when your President isn't a giant fuck, you can take a few easy minutes to talk about Fritos.
If everyone who thinks Elizabeth Warren would make the best President, of all of the candidates, would just vote for her, and stop worrying about what everyone else is going to do, she'd win.
If Republicans really believed "antifa" was behind the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, they'd want a Jan. 6 commision. They don't.
I like, when tells a story that has several pieces that must be known to understand it. She begins with something small, and builds. She might start with, "Look at this bobby pin."
As DeSantis, and other authoritarian lovers, ban books, please don't forget that teaching slaves to read was a crime. You know why? When people read they are harder to control.
If I may, I don't know Michelle Wolf, but I think she was trying to say that it makes us angry to be lied to. Sometimes women make the mistake of expecting more from other women, and so we hold Sarah Huckabee Sanders accountable for spreading the lies of Donald Trump.
I am just putting the finishing touches on a letter to Brad Raffensperger asking him to make me President.
Marjory Taylor Greene misspoke. That elementary school didn't receive 5.1 billion for diversity education. They raised it with a bake sale. The cookies were really big. Bless her heart.
Do you assholes think that Twitter has reduced the level of our public discourse?
Dear Twitter,
Calm down. Let me put it this way. I really like listening to Katie Porter. She seems smart, and thoughtful.
I live on a named street, which interrupts a long series of numbered streets. Sometimes people come to my door mistakenly. I explain to them how they got confused. They say, “sorry.”,” I say, “no problem at all.”
What if, when he's indicted, we do a line dance across the whole country?
Dear ,
I've tried to adjust to your new schedule. I listened to your podcast ULTRA, twice. It's REALLY good. I look forward to seeing you on Mondays. Still, it's not working for me. I miss you. I miss it when you say, "Boy howdy."
Dear President Carter,
When it's cold inside I set the thermostat to 65, and put on a sweater. I have also joined in Habitat for Humanity builds, which are really fun. Thank you for your decency.
VACCINATIONS SHOULD BE REQUIRED TO FLY ON AN AIRPLANE. If you are not vaccinated, and you need to travel, the country is beautiful, drive across it.
The right actually tries to shame people for caring about one another. It's not gonna work on me.
Jim Jordan spoke of "real Americans" in a recent statement. How do you tell, Jim? Do you cut them open? Do they spit in a tube? Or do they just agree with you?
Dear President Obama, I miss you. I miss the heart and brains that you brought to your job. I miss hearing you speak. I miss your choice of words. I miss your humanity. I miss feeling hope.
I have an idea! How about if we open up schools AFTER we get a handle on the growing pandemic? Case numbers are currently growing in 39 states.
Dear Ted Cruz, There's only one person in the world who would touch your feet, and you let Trump call her ugly.
DEMOCRATS need to educate voters on the fact that the current inflation is largely a result of COVID. It is global. The President is not in charge of it. If he was, it wouldn't be global.
Dear Georgia,
Please elect Stacey Abrams.
Love, your pal,
Paula Poundstone
I don't want to get out ahead of myself, but what wine goes with getting our democracy back?
Dear Inhabitants of Another Planet,
This is really not a good time for us to have you over.
Trump deserves a military send off with only the troops he served with when he was in the military.
Dear , when I was 18, I lived on a Greyhound bus for a couple of months, while I went to club around the country. I had almost no money, but I would put quarters into the little tvs at the stations to watch MASH. It was money well spent.
My hat is off to people who are taking dance lessons to prepare for Trump's indictment. It's good to be ready.
I talked to some audience members who told me they felt safe at Babeville in Buffalo, tonight, because the theater required proof of vaccine, and masks. Congrats, Babeville in Buffalo, way to take care of your audience.
I am a Pro-Life Democrat, and let me tell you what that means: It means I believe in a woman's right to choose whether to carry out a pregnancy, and it means that when child is born it should live a life without fear of being shot or persecuted.
Anybody want to take this bet? The Mike Pence book will be the least revealing, least reflective book ever written. Some pages may even be empty.
I want to thank people who have gotten vaccinated, and those who wear their masks. I want to thank people who speak kindly to one another, and try to remember that we are all in this together. It's helpful. Thank you.
Dear Stephen Miller, there's something I was hoping you could drop off at Bill Barr's house for me.
Oprah, who has some wonderful qualities, really fucked up sticking us with Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Drew.
Here's an idea: Make it so the most amount of Americans can vote.
my hand is up.
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How about if we spy on men, and if a man isn't wearing a condom during sex, the neighbor/spy gets a big cash prize, and a boat?
These story of the Georgia election worker, and her mother, and her grandmother is heartbreaking. I am so sick of this shit. #VoteBlueOrWeAreScrewed
Dear ,
Breathe deeply. Drink a lot of water. Spend time with trees. And, know that tons of us love you, admire you, and feel such gratitude for you. If you need any amusing little stories, please call.
Vote NO on the recall of Gavin Newsom. Voting day is SEPT. 14.
Diane, I worked graveyard at an Ihop in Orlando. I had to buy nylons. I bought L'eggs, and I kept my money in the plastic egg.
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Does anyone remember the pantyhose that came in an egg? Please say yes. I hate to think I am the only senior citizen on Twitter!
If Republicans in Congress, and beyond, weren't culpable for Jan. 6, they'd be desperate to know who tried to kill them.
The P.J. O'Rourke news is stunning. I was not aware that he was sick. He was my favorite Republican. I'm sure we disagreed about some stuff, but he was smart as a whip, kind, respectful, encouraging, supportive, and we worked, and laughed together.
I wish people would stop saying, "The protest on Jan. 6, turned violent." It didn't "turn violent," it was planned to be violent.
I stumbled upon the Portrait Museum in DC, and just when I was feeling alone, I found my friend and hero, Lily Tomlin.
I guess we have the answer to Trump’s question, “What do you have to lose?” by voting for him. We’ve lost lives, livelihoods + democracy.
Nor the way he struggled to recover from polio in order to dance in the New York ballet. The guy is an inspiration.
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Everyone is making fun of George Santos but the courage he displayed as a dive-bomber pilot at the Battle of Midway in World War 2 should not be forgotten.
Bill Clinton could have sex with Loretta Lynch on the tarmac and I would still vote for Hillary Clinton. She's running against Donald trump.
I just want to point out that "Who is the President of the United States?" is a question they ask people to tell if they are sane.
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"It all started with lies & lies & lies...Patriotism means standing by the country, not standing by the President."
Thank you for having a servant's heart, Arnold. 
This is now my favorite @Schwarzenegger film... EVER.
twitter.com/Schwarzenegger…
This is now my favorite @Schwarzenegger film... EVER. twitter.com/Schwarzenegger…Dear Italy,
Your great grandparents hated Mussolini so much that, after he was executed (so there was that), they hung his corpse in a town square, and people peed on him, and someone put a dead mouse in his mouth. He seemed like a great idea in the beginning, though.
I think it was the kindness of @HamillHimself's tweet that got me through my improvements, after a difficult day. What does that tell us about the power of loving one another?
The force of democracy is strong within him. Thank you @HamillHimself
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. @HamillHimself just said it ALL! RT IF YOU FEEL THE SAME PATRIOTIC DUTY AS LUKE SKYWALKER!
Sometimes, recently, I get scared. I can feel my heart beating. My breath feels labored. My soul feels almost lifeless. So, I do the next thing, and the next thing that I have to do. I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes feel scared, though.
Eventually, we're all going to have to take a turn as White House Communications Director.
I will never understand a world where caring for one another is considered radical.
If what Gaetz did was illegal, than absolutely, please #ArrestGaetz
Could somebody tell Megan Rapinoe, for me, that she is great. She's great today. She was great yesterday, and she'll be great tomorrow.
I listen to the soundtrack of the Broadway HAMILTON show, everyday, multiple times. It has given me the illusion that I know about history. Today, it struck me that Lin Manuel Miranda may have written some of the words, not because the are true, but because they rhyme.
My oldest daughter took her first steps, without crutches, in a choreographed dance to a Celine Dion song. It doesn't matter what Rolling Stone thinks of her. One of her songs inspired someone to walk.
Maybe we should take down the Statue of Liberty. When a performer is no longer at a venue, you don't leave their name on the marquee.
I wonder if there's a religion that tells its followers to love their neighbors.
Republicans are trying to elect or install election deniers into their Secretary of State offices around the country, so they can overturn votes they don't like. It's their new plan, since beating cops with flag poles didn't work.
The NYT says millions are skipping their 2nd dose? What the fuck is wrong with us? Get your 2nd dose. It comes after your 1st dose. Geez.
Anybody who guessed that Trump’s big announcement would be that he was going to stick his head all of the way up his ass nailed it.
Repeat after me: The Build Back Better money is over ten years.
Dear Lakota Man,
I hate to think of you being heartbroken. I appreciate the education you give me, tweet by tweet.
I was just thinking: nineteen years ago, I was stuck in rehab on Independence Day. At the time, I didn't get the sad irony of that. So, I'm thinking about those of you who want to quit, but haven't, yet. I just want you to tell you, come on in, the water is fine.
Ted Cruz says the problem is not guns. He says one of the problem is that people aren't going to church. What the fuck, Ted. A lot of people have been shot IN church.