Patton OswaltVerified account

@pattonoswalt

Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.

Los Angeles
pattonoswalt.com
Joined May 2010
815 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. 3 hours ago

    Not exactly a "quote." I say that every time I visit a retirement home.

    One of my favorite quotes from "Going on a pussy safari, yeah!"
    29 replies 31 retweets 539 likes
  2. 5 hours ago

    Buy a hoodie. Build a village. 15% of sales go to the Trayvon Martin Foundation. 5,000 hoodies = $50,000k. .

    76 replies 424 retweets 2,173 likes
  3. 6 hours ago

    Wow!!!

    This is madness! Star Wars - The Puppet Saga continues...
    4 replies 10 retweets 168 likes
  4. Retweeted
    12 hours ago

    If any other prez had done half the things Trump has done...a third...a fucking TENTH...he'd be gone like Enron. What's happened to us?

    3,954 replies 22,038 retweets 75,626 likes
  5. Retweeted
    21 hours ago

    Apparently cat yoga is a thing now and it's when you trap cats in a room with a bunch of sad people and force the cats to watch you do yoga.

    33 replies 188 retweets 1,466 likes
  6. 14 hours ago

    A special edition DVD of BLADE RUNNER where they digitally add Thanksgiving decorations everywhere.

    141 replies 123 retweets 1,922 likes
  7. 15 hours ago

    Which is why Mike responded to Paul's bad speech with more speech. And facts. Did you even read the thread?

    Replying to @pattonoswalt
    The answer to bad speech is more speech. If he insists on silencing Paul, then he's the one that needs to get fucked.
    24 replies 25 retweets 346 likes
  8. Retweeted
    Jul 28

    I'm a cop. I do not agree with or condone remarks today on police brutality. Those that applauded and cheered should be ashamed.

    8,560 replies 108,694 retweets 330,527 likes
  9. 17 hours ago

    "Honor" oh wait SHIT sorry

    Replying to @pattonoswalt
    Sir, it's an honour.
    28 replies 21 retweets 724 likes
  10. 18 hours ago

    AMAZING THREAD. Read all the way to the end, please. And never fuck with Mike Stuchbery.

    Jews followed the Norman Invasion & settled in major cities. They were routinely persecuted until they were expelled by Edward I in 1290.
    73 replies 1,137 retweets 4,002 likes
  11. Jul 29

    They were probably trying to get everyone to leave

    Someone just dropped a reference at this party and it was glorious.
    54 replies 41 retweets 1,448 likes
  12. Retweeted
    Jul 29

    A man brought his boom box and newspapers to my neighborhood pool. I've never seen a time traveler...until now.

    66 replies 503 retweets 5,688 likes
  13. Jul 29

    DONE

    I hope you're hip to the contract that's being voted on. It is bad for all actors. Actors help actors. Pls vote NO
    10 replies 54 retweets 572 likes
  14. Jul 29

    Yeah, but GREAT prop work and a killer TV appearance.

    Replying to @pattonoswalt
    He is right about Lee Harvey, though. No comic timing whatsoever.
    21 replies 14 retweets 274 likes
  15. Jul 29

    SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU IDIOT.

    Replying to @pattonoswalt
    lets hope Bruce Hornsby and The Range isn't one of his favorite bands of all time
    44 replies 16 retweets 671 likes
  16. Jul 29

    "It's like Patton Oswalt always says: "I have a secret family in another state.'"

    Replying to @pattonoswalt
    Patton is quoted in my household almost daily.
    39 replies 45 retweets 1,150 likes
  17. Jul 29

    I have some TERRIBLE news for you, man...

    Replying to @MikePElston @CNN and 2 others
    he wasn't in Down Periscope, you moron. that is one of my favorite movies of all time.
    73 replies 84 retweets 1,777 likes
  18. Jul 29

    It's just me, but I buy a LOT of tickets for my shows so I'm doing great.

    Replying to @pattonoswalt
    Just wondering if anyone finds funny, or is he the only one? Asking for a friend.
    126 replies 55 retweets 2,053 likes
  19. Jul 29

    Depraved morons are my fan base, SIR. Show some respect.

    Replying to @egojab @jonrojas and 3 others
    vulgarity can be used in a smart way, or it can be just every other word you say as a cheap way to get laughs from depraved morons.
    230 replies 84 retweets 2,618 likes
  20. Jul 29

    In THIS pic?!? Joke's on you -- I ALWAYS look like shit!

    looks like shit in this pic.
    55 replies 15 retweets 669 likes

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