Patton OswaltVerified account

@pattonoswalt

Mr. Oswalt is a former wedding deejay from Northern Virginia.

Los Angeles
pattonoswalt.com
Joined May 2010
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  1. 4 hours ago

    (barely registering surprise): whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Look at that, a Republican legislator who voted for anti-trans bathroom bills is caught with an underage boy:
    70 replies 749 retweets 2,130 likes
  2. Retweeted
    6 hours ago

    Just. Epic. Douchebaggery.

    "Meals On Wheels alone costs about $3 million a year...the cost of just one trip to Trump’s “winter White House.”
    21 replies 572 retweets 1,124 likes
  3. 6 hours ago

    "It's literally the least I can do." -- Donald Trump, on his rallies

    87 replies 196 retweets 1,727 likes
  4. Retweeted
    Mar 13

    wait so wants everyone to look like a withered troll anus? ⬇️⬇️

    Steve King: "I'd like to see an America that's so homogenous that we look a lot the same"
    43 replies 140 retweets 741 likes
  5. Retweeted
    Mar 9

    it's so inspiring that a child has to sift through garbage because of the 6 figure debt he needs to take on to get a job in 15 years

    It's never too early to start a business. At 7, this boy runs a company and saves for college
    130 replies 23,027 retweets 48,407 likes
  6. Retweeted
    8 hours ago

    i'm stand-upping with at this sunday

    7 replies 8 retweets 144 likes
  7. Retweeted
    8 hours ago

    Yeah, what does Hawaii know about being attacked, anyway

    Hawaii, what do you know? You were 5,000 miles from 9/11. You run your little world and let the grownups run the mainland.
    267 replies 5,817 retweets 15,182 likes
  8. 9 hours ago

    Tonight's is all about Doogie Howser and SERIOUSLY mis-guided dreams. Enjoy.

    29 replies 15 retweets 519 likes
  9. Retweeted
    Mar 13

    best part about The Bachelor is it gives single guys like me great ideas for romantic spots to take a woman and tell her I love someone else

    33 replies 490 retweets 3,008 likes
  10. Retweeted
    16 hours ago

    I've never watched Trump speak without seeing 2 people behind him who look like they've been banned from an Applebees

    230 replies 2,895 retweets 12,869 likes
  11. 15 hours ago

    Oh my God. Are you in your kitchen? Calling you on your microwave right now!

    I am fine after suspicious hit and run. Blurred vision in right eye on which I had surgery for detached retina sustained in boxing match
    174 replies 497 retweets 3,884 likes
  12. 15 hours ago

    Oh WOW. Those tickets are perfectly creepy! Nice...

    . thought you might dig this effort to fund a statue of in Providence $2 raffle
    17 replies 10 retweets 161 likes
  13. 15 hours ago

    It happened to Barbara Stanwyck!

    Car I was in T-boned by large grey 4 door - dark tinted windshield - I was passenger side
    62 replies 26 retweets 335 likes
  14. 17 hours ago

    Acclaimed Brazilian writer Clarice Lispector. Or a mermaid. Not sure yet.

    Hey It's really cool that you and your daughter watch Face Off! What does she want to be for Halloween? I'd love to help
    20 replies 51 retweets 636 likes
  15. Retweeted
    17 hours ago

    Maybe if Snoop called Ted Cruz’s wife ugly and his father a killer, Ted wouldn’t be so upset with him. Might even invite him to dinner.

    68 replies 1,700 retweets 7,001 likes
  16. 18 hours ago

    Or if a sitting President had spearheaded a racist "birther" campaign against President Obama? Impeachment!

    Can you imagine what the outcry would be if , failing career and all, had aimed and fired the gun at President Obama? Jail time!
    296 replies 1,826 retweets 9,169 likes
  17. Retweeted
    Mar 14

    57 replies 2,125 retweets 6,991 likes
  18. Retweeted
    Mar 14

    70 replies 2,792 retweets 8,013 likes
  19. Retweeted
    Mar 14

    Want to see the rest of Trump's returns? Join us at the tax march and support it here today:

    This is why there's relentless pressure to find Trump's tax returns every day he is president. Join that pressure:
    21 replies 238 retweets 885 likes
  20. Mar 15

    You should release ALL his taxes and totally p0wn her!

    Thank you Rachel Maddow for proving to your hating followers how successful is & that he paid $40mm in taxes!
    173 replies 741 retweets 5,567 likes

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