Bank officer: “Oh wait you can speak Japanese?!?” “... I suppose no one told you that.” “No! I spent the whole night cramming on English mortgage vocabulary! Thank goodness, now I don’t need it!” “What a relief!” “Seriously! Why would anyone name a mortgage after a body part?!”
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“I think that one’s more of an abbreviation.” “But clearly one picks better abbreviations.” “Have you ever run into FATCA?” “Yes.” “Do you know what a ‘fat cat’ is colloquially?” “Oh goodness you can’t mean that is intentional.” “I’m afraid...” “That’s so terrible but kinda fun!”
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In related news I wish that I could send the parapro who used to help me on penmanship the motivational example: “You may not appreciate this when you are 6 but eventually you’ll need to hand write a mortgage in Japanese so let’s work on that manual stamina.”
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29 stamps later (of the “affix a seal” variety ; only two of the “attach a stamp) variety I now owe the bank a lot of money. Yay! “Technically speaking, we owe you a lot of money. The day you take delivery of your house we will briefly have offsetting liabilities, and THEN ...”
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“... you will owe us a particular sum of money.” Nobody outdoes Japanese loan officers at “technically correct is the best form of correct.”
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Because every bank wants to do cross-sales they then brought in an asset management professional: “Have you considered getting a wrapped fund? A wrapped fund is...” “A vehicle which interacts extremely poorly with American taxpayers, I am afraid, due to the necessity of filing
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a declaration regarding a Passive Foreign Investment Corporation to the Us tax authorities every year, which requires enough accounting hours such that the low expense ratio benefit is totally swamped.” “Wow.” “Weird hobbies.”
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There are occasionally some moments where I almost sound like I know what I’m doing... and because life is hilarious they also happen the same day as I have to redo a sheet of paper for spelling my own name wrong, in English. (“What?” Insufficiently attentive on page 23.)
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Well *technically* the problem was that I spelled my name right in one of the boxes where it should be spelled wrong as opposed to one of the boxes where it should be spelled right, because Compliance.
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