I find it often involves stepping away from the other person's narrative, refusing to be in their world. Appalled at questions. Looking completely shocked. But not totally isolating them-- welcoming them over to your side. Can be used abusively, OR to counter abusive thinking
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This was a revelation to me because I love discussion, learning that sometimes ANY answer I can give to a question shows that I am now in their world and in their way of thinking and following their rules. Sometimes walking away is the only way to make that mindset shift happen.
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Replying to @sehurlburt
I have an anecdote with your readers: I once took a meeting with a large Japanese company, which was introduced to me by someone who is an important relation for me, on the subject of how they should build a particular software product. This is when I was consultant doing that.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
Lead the meeting with “This is an informational interview and I have no expectations out of it.” Told then how to think about business problem motivating the project, sketched the design considerations, gave them desiderata for interviewing consulting shops.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
They asked me for a proposal. I said “I know you are important to X, and would not insult you or X by giving you a proposal that you would have to reject out of hand.” They reiterated that they were extremely impressed and really wanted a proposal.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
I told them that I was flattered that they had confidence in my abilities, and that I shared their read that I would be able to build the deliverable, but that they would not find working with me to be successful and that it would be inappropriate for me to sell them on it.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
“But why?” I am substantially north of your price range. “How do you know our price range?” I am a professional, and good at this, which is why you are talking to me. “We have money.” But not for engineers, because of deep issues we will not fix today.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
“Well hum a few bars.” Again, I think that would be perceived as an insult, and I don’t want it to be. “Is it X? I can get X, maybe a bit more?” It is 10X. “What no.” I can tell you why I can charge that if you’re interested, but you’re not, so let’s part as friends.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
Takeaway on this is that, when X asked, they said “Extremely productive meeting; we appreciate you calling in a favor with a senior businessman to give us a lay of the land” and not “What. A. Chump. Totally irrational; tried to extort us and used your name to do it.”
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
Sidenote: I think that spending time discussing one’s rates or value prop with folks for whom it is entirely outside the zone of possible agreement is broadly not in one’s interest. You won’t sharpen your arguments; you may start to doubt your own words.
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There are many more non-fits in the world than fits. That isn’t a value judgment on you or on them. Spend your time and emotional energy on the best fits.
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Replying to @patio11 @sehurlburt
Dumb question: before you've found enough fits that your pattern matching kicks in, are there any signs to differentiate between potential fits and probable misfits?
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Replying to @Ben_Reinhardt @sehurlburt
Customer qualification is one of the core skills in sales. One gets better at it over time and with sustained effort. A cheat code to lean on: don’t be anyone’s first X, for basically any value of X.
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