Laura Merli

@passiveabrasive

giver of too much info. standup, sketch: , podcaster: how to be less awkward, writer

New York, NY
LauraMerliComedy.com
Joined January 2015
120 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    12 Jul 2018

    hate when i go to the bathroom & a cockroach overdoses on cocaine in the next stall

    4 replies 25 retweets 195 likes
    Undo
  2. 14 hours ago

    social scientists: distractions cause burnout, anxiety, & loss of productivity offices: log into messenger, slack, email, our proprietary systems...open floor plans so we can talk talk talk. Sales team rings a gong! tigers eat the unproductive!

    4 retweets 13 likes
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  3. Jul 16

    in these trying times, i don’t know how I’m supposed to develop & maintain a “look”

    8 likes
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  4. Jul 15

    crazy how everyone has time to get so much done while also plotting against me

    2 retweets 18 likes
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  5. Jul 14

    *me, drinking water* “Ugh, I wish I ordered something w some content in it”

    6 likes
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  6. Jul 13

    only 18 and just bought my first house through hard work, saving, & pissing in wood shavings

    1 reply 1 retweet 14 likes
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  7. Jul 13

    transformers may make sick movies, but they really mess up the subway

    1 retweet 9 likes
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  8. Jul 10

    i have a recurring fantasy that a famous person is obsessed w me & everyone’s like “woah that’s so cool” & I’m like “actually, it’s complicated”

    1 retweet 24 likes
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  9. Jul 10

    had a nightmare that I needed to send a rude email, which doesn’t say a lot for my imagination, but says a whole lot for my passive aggression

    1 retweet 14 likes
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  10. Jul 9

    places w no pets allowed signs must not realize what a big burden it is to take all your tamagotchis off your key ring

    1 reply 1 retweet 12 likes
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  11. Jul 9

    when the train stops moving btw stops, it’s a good time to take a breathe & remember that you are trapped in a small space w strangers who may not care if you live or die

    1 retweet 7 likes
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  12. Jul 3

    at my middle school dance, the DJ was giving shout outs to couples & one girl requested her name and Justin Timberlake’s & all her friends called her “brave”

    1 reply 1 retweet 41 likes
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  13. Jul 2

    Someone asked if I worked at a Halloween store, when I wasn’t wearing a costume. I think I put off vibes like I’d hump a pillow to Nightmare Before Christmas.

    2 replies 13 likes
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  14. Jul 1

    ugh i'm so tired i just want to go to bed. should i scroll through instagram on my computer or on my phone?

    1 reply 7 likes
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  15. Jun 30

    Summer Friday’s were actually designed to make up for all the additional time you need to spend showering

    1 retweet 4 likes
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  16. Jun 29

    had a nightmare that my laptop was stolen so I spent the whole day looking at dumb things on it to practice gratitude

    11 likes
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  17. Jun 28

    the new “tweet was sent” pop up feels like I’m talking to someone

    3 likes
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  18. Jun 28

    I <3 to drink & work out trauma on unsuspecting friends

    1 reply 8 likes
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  19. Jun 26

    need to take some tasteful nudes while I’m still young so my grandkids will have throwbacks to brag about on reddit

    1 reply 4 likes
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  20. Jun 25

    When you live alone, it’s easy to be clean* *go all out before guests come over & let them believe it’s always that way

    2 likes
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  21. Jun 25

    The choking signs in restaurants never tell you to first ask if the person is into that sort of thing

    1 reply 1 retweet 10 likes
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