I hate going for a drive instead of going somewhere I hate going for walks instead of going somewhere
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I hate that I want need have to do all of these things anyways I hate them because they're SHIT substitutes for real bodies and real spaces and real needs and I can TELL
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I hate it all because I know it's just a fucking trick to keep myself from looking directly at how much shit sucks and I'm too much of a coward to just let shit suck
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"Tips for your mental health in quarantine" more like "tips to fool yourself into feeling okay"
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I don't hate all of these things with my whole self comes in waves
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I might feel a little better but I'm not happy about it
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what I don't want is comfort in the form of argument or reassurance or self care tips because it feels too dishonest in this moment
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I feel reckless and I'm not going to be reckless or it will be very small it will be fake but it makes me worry that other people will want to be reckless soon and if they can't be soothed with a fake outlet they're gonna want the real thing
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I would very much like to break something important right now
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get into a fight tear a room apart punch a hole in a wall burn important paperwork I've already chucked my phone at a pillow several times today (fake) and even the old standby of turning this in on myself is also apparently fake.
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This is the worst natural disaster that's hit the US in generations. It really does suck this much.
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