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My Seersucker Vans® bring all the Boys to the Yard...
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Trump to Michelle Obama: I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Barack https://politi.co/3kVMiwY via
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
Interviewer: name a weakness Me: i take things literally I: lol that's not really a-- M: *pocketing his watch* sorry what
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
3 little girls claimed St. Michael the Archangel appeared to them at Innoventions Plaza in 1990 but they later confessed they were fibbing.
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again my grandpa: well i'll be damned
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
There are storage lockers here so you don't have to carry your wet swim trunks around all day if you don't want to.
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The whistle giveaway has been canceled.
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
[inventing zucchini noodles] let's make sad, friendless pasta
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This cashier is scanning my groceries faster than I can remove them from the cart. Hey "Doug," can I win at life just this once?
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
My brother-in-law was driving home when a small plane made an emergency landing on the highway & almost hit him & he got interviewed by CNN.
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her: we're lost me: don't worry, i have a homie pigeon her: don't u mean homing pigeon pigeon: girl u lookin thicc
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
If the Cleveland Cavaliers win the 2018 NBA finals I’ll buy everyone who retweet’s this a jersey...
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[Frosted flakes audition] Tiger shark: *flopping around on the floor* They're grrrrrreat! Director: Tiger shark: *flopping intensifies* please, I haven’t worked in a year
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Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
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@OrneryAlways Retweeted
EPITAPH: I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. [heaven] GOD: [growing noticeably impatient] hey, so... how's that apartment search going?
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toddler *walks by with a hammer* me: What are you gonna make? toddler: Noise
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her: let's run away together me: her: me: can we drive
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[MasterChef] GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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