Claire Xen  🏳️‍⚧️ 🏳️‍🌈 🧙🏻‍♀️ BLM  🏴 🚩

My experience: I was depressed with constant suicidal thoughts my whole life. First suicide attempt with 8yo (!). Just wanted to not exist. Had no idea it was linked to gender dysphoria. Then in my early 20s I started to sometimes also have these other feelings. 1/

I would sometimes envy woman for being "allowed by society" to dress in a certain way, or use certain body language, etc. But this was only brief moments, and I always thought it's not such a big deal and not worth doing anything about, especially considering ... 2/

... especially considering that I also had this crippling depression and considering that I always only planned on living for just a few more years anyway. Just enough time to finish whatever projects I was working on right now. 3/

I was 39 (last year) when I realized that I would probably never going to actually kill myself and that I had to plan for decades of more life. I was devastated because I knew that would mean that I had to live with decades more of depression. At this time the depression ... 4/

... the depression was making it impossible for me to have a regular in person contact with other people. I had to "preserve my energy" for the important interactions and then spend time in solitude to "recharge". I didn't understand that this was because it did cost me ... 5/

... cost me enormous energy to present as men. But because I realized that year that I had to plan for decades to come I realized I probably should transition to do something about the obvious gender dysphoria, still not seeing the connection to the depression. 6/

Only in the days and weeks _after_ I had made this decision the fog lifted and I realized that the depression was gender dysphoria all along. Now the depression is completely gone, just from transitioning socially (!). I still have this longing for being more ... 7/

... being more passable, and there's a lot of anxiety about the path ahead. Maybe that "clear identifiable dysphoria" is even a bit worse now, that I have transitioned socially but haven't done anything else yet. But I feel infinitely better than just a few months ago. 8/