To help out and avoid the this type of derailment, try to notice when and who does this and shut them down if you have the spoons. I usually go with: "This is about X's topic right now. We haven't finished." Or "I'm not interested in making jokes or sarcasm, we're discussing X."
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It's hard to do this when you're the one hurting, so let's just all have each others' backs.
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On a related note — PSA: DO NOT GASLIGHT PEOPLE! I recently, witnessed some serious gaslighting. Please do not gaslight people. There are no 100% bad nor 100% good ppl, but there are inappropriate words and actions, promises broken, and correct or wrong retellings of events.
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I've also seen people realise they carry similar pain or that this is a safe environment to share when sbd opens up. It *can* work out very well, but they can cut each other off. I'm like "well I shouldn't interrupt either of you but this isn't great
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Realising you are carrying similar pain (almost always?) is the opposite to changing topic (what I called above in OP: "reorient the topic") and definitely is not the same as "jocular takes on the topic".
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HOWEVER, you are right that people carrying the same pain often make jokes. It's part of their coping strategy — and the jokes-are-OK environment is negotiated between them because they are in an informed and consensual jokes-are-our-coping-tactic zone.
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Those jokes are not offensive, but are indeed part of the healing process. It's important to know that like the word "that" refers to dramatically different things as a fraction of context, pragmatics plays a great role in when a joke is OK or not.
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If you think a joke isn't appropriate — if you are not sure — don't make it.
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*as a __function__ of context
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Sometimes I wonder if I do this unintentionally when I have a "omg me too" moment. E.g. taking the space away from them to speak because I've realised we have shared experience. It can be a fine line to tread in that situation.
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I did a side-thread on this:https://twitter.com/o_guest/status/944204078191702016 …
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