I actually believe something a little more nuanced than that we're/I'm racist2 and/or racist1. But obviously we're going for baby steps. 
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Tails... still interested?
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Useful (underline that) explanations need to address most cases. Tails are near outliers, they exist; they are the most dangerous cases but
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they are useless as exemplars, so they should be mostly ignored when addressing a problem in every day talk (not science o/c)
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You mean for purpose of explanations in these type of interpersonal arguments? I do agree that extremes may hinder aligning of perspectives.
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Probably if ppl want to see each others point of view, common ground is key. And extremes may be less likely part of shared experience.
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But I share the 'tone policing' concern. It's a fine balance.
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When somebody is speaking truth to power, my heuristic is don't tone police them. That's all. Other situations might require it.
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