For any following pairwise_distance-OMG-parallelism-is-tough-in-Python thing, @dimpase solved it — so grateful! 
https://github.com/oliviaguest/pairwise_distance/issues/2 …
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I am going to try and write it in C. I hope you feel zero pressure to do this! I'm already extremely thankful.
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Also honestly, I was going to thank you already officially in the paper that comes out of this.
End of conversation
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